Why Things Go Wrong When Things Start to Go Right

I've spoken to people who, when their lives take a turn for the better after a period of stress, suddenly find they start to struggle rather than finding that things become easier.  I'm talking about fears, barriers that come up, unpleasant feelings, all happening when things start to improve.

So, why does this happen and what is going on?

Well, when we've been struggling with whatever challenge we've been facing, whether it caused stress or made you feel unsafe, we start to put up our barriers.  If we feel we need protection, we will do this to the exclusion of everything else.  Issues that we faced along the way may not have been processed, but instead filed away until we were in a better place emotionally to deal with them.

When things start to go right in our lives, we relax. We no longer need to be on red alert all the time.   We finally feel safer and we start to open up.

And guess what?  All that stuff we buried when we weren't feeling so great comes up.  As human beings, we have an innate draw towards healing ourselves, so as soon as it's safe to do so, this instinct takes over.

However, because we're often not versed in the ways of emotional healing, we can find this a bit overwhelming.  When unresolved issues come up, they don't have a flag attached saying "emotional residue from that time when I felt hurt by my ex" or similar.  Oh no.  We just get an unpleasant feeling.  We may feel upset, we may feel angry, or any other emotion might come up.

The most logical assumption is that the present situation is causing you to feel that emotion.  This will either cause internal conflict as you try to work out why you're crying when your current situation is so great or you will find problems in your current situation to match the emotions, where there really aren't any.

The good news is that these things have come up because we're feeling safe enough to deal with them.  So, if you are experiencing this, life is probably going well for you and you are in a place where you feel supported.

It is, however, important to process these issues and let them go in order to move forwards with our lives.  We don't need to understand them, but often a memory of where they came from will also surface which might give us some clarity we need.  Then once we've let them go, we're free to carry on enjoying the good times that life has brought us.

The Importance of Grief

Grief is probably something that most of us have had to experience at some point in our lives.  The most common and well-know reason is the death of a loved one, but we grieve to some extent for other reasons as well.  We grieve for any kind of loss, be it the end of a relationship, the loss of a friendship or even a change in situation.

Some of these events may only require a small amount of grieving; others may need a grieving process that lasts years.  I grieved for the sale of my old car - a classic mini that I'd got myself far too emotionally attached  to for my own good.  I grieved for about an hour after the buyer took her away, and then I was able to move on with no regrets.  However when I grieved for my aunt, who died when I was 19, the whole process lasted about 10 years.

There's no procedure for grieving and there's no formula to follow.  No-one can tell you how long it will take, or what form it will take.  It's not linear and it's not rational.  However it is very necessary.

Grief is the process that takes you from the painful state you find yourself in at the point of loss, to acceptance of the situation and an ability to let go and move on.  I think the most useful thing to know about grief is that it comes in cycles.  You think you're coping really well and then something comes along to knock you sideways - again.

Often we fall straight into the grieving process.  If our sorrow is strong and we are comfortable with our emotions, we will naturally start to go through the stages.  However, often we block it and this is where we get stuck.

I've heard many people say they just can't cry.  Sometimes we can't connect with our emotions as they are too painful so we block them away.  Other times, there is a fear that if we break down, we'll never stop crying, so we prevent ourselves  from even starting.  Maybe we think we need to be strong for someone else - a child or a partner.  This might be a necessary protection for the initial intensity of the emotion, but if we don't go back and address it, then we can't let go.

Letting go doesn't mean we are forgetting.  Sometimes we don't want to grieve because we don't want to let the memory of a loved one go.  But if we have such a highly charged emotional response to them that we can't even think about them, then are we really remembering them in a way they or we'd want.

Going back to my aunt, who was the first person I had to grieve for,  I went through a lot of emotions.  For years, I believed I could have done something to prevent it, which was hugely unlikely and probably quite arrogant about my influence as a teenager.  For years I blamed those around her for not being able to help her.  But that is also unfair.  Eventually I came to accept that it was just a tragedy and a belief formed that she is probably happier now she's in the spirit world.

The thing that shows I've reached acceptance, is that I can remember the good times we had with happiness and joy.  I can remember what she was like with love.  I can remember my relationship with her without regrets.

The process was far from straight forwards.  After the initial shock of losing her, my  days ran pretty normally. Sometimes I'd think about things when my mind was quiet, but because I didn't see her day to day, my routines weren't affected.  What I noticed was that every so often waves of emotion would come up and hit me and I'd find myself crying again.  Over the 10 years after her death, these happened less frequently and less intensely.  Each time they happened my thoughts and feelings processed a bit more and I began to make some sense of my loss.

If we don't grieve for whatever reason, we become stuck emotionally at the point the person died. We have to keep carrying the pain around with us and this can cause us to close up to prevent the emotions accidentally spilling out.  Often people may "expect" us to have gotten over the loss by a certain point, so then we can feel it's even more necessary to hide the unresolved grief away.  Grief can include many emotions, such as anger, regret, self-pity and others.  If we don't complete the grief process, we won't have resolved all the individual emotions.

As you probably already realise from reading my other blog posts, if we have unresolved emotions, then we will likely be reacting to present events rather than making conscious choices.  Imagine if you still had unresolved anger within you, you could well find it bursts out when you least expect it.  If you are living with unresolved regret, you may find that you are living in the past a lot.

There are many ways to resolve these emotions, but the main one is to intend to grieve.  Intention is a great starting point and often just allowing process to follow is enough.  We may find we attract supportive people who we can talk to, or maybe we meet someone else who's gone through a similar experience.  Even if there is no-one around who we feel understands us, a supportive hug can still help us along our journey.  Nothing anyone says or does will make the pain disappear overnight, but it's important to keep the process moving forwards.

So, if you know there is a person or event you haven't grieved for, please consider going through this process to set yourself free and allow yourself to remember the positive memories without pain.

Boundaries and Their Effect on our Health

Boundaries are an interesting subject.  Some people hold their boundaries very tightly and others are too loose with theirs.  I believe the best way is to hold them firmly but with some flexibility.  If boundaries are too tight or too loose, then we can end up with health problems.

Imagine your boundaries are too loose.  You let anyone take advantage of your good nature. You find it hard to say no to people.  You allow people to turn up at your house unannounced whenever they feel like it.  You get cornered at parties by people you don’t really want an extended conversation with.  You put up with unreasonable behaviour from people because you don’t want to risk conflict.  I could find many other examples.

Now imagine your boundaries are too tight.  You don’t do anything if it hasn't been in the diary at least a week.  You don’t let anyone in emotionally.  You are rigid about not giving anything away for fear of being taken advantage of.  You find it hard to form relationships with people and can appear withdrawn or aloof.

Boundaries can be physical, emotional or behavioural.  And your boundaries might not be the same strength in each of these areas.  For example, you may be very friendly but hate hugging someone.  Or you might be emotionally withdrawn, but will offer to help people to the extent that you have no time left for yourself.

Now, we are usually born with no boundaries.  We have yet to learn about them and so as a baby, we will generally be quite happy being passed around from person to person for a hug.  Babies are generally very trusting, hence why they rely on responsible adults to keep them safe.

As we get older, we develop boundaries through experience and learning. Our parents will teach us not to talk to strangers.  They may well tell us not to give away everything we own because they're not going to buy us a whole lot of new stuff.

However, we also develop boundaries from our own life experiences.  We may find that we are taken advantage of for being too generous.  We may find that we get hurt if we're too open.  We may find that we feel uncomfortable when strangers give us a hug.

And so we start to bring our boundaries in to such a level as to keep us feeling safe.  This is an important part of development and necessary for our wellbeing.

However we also learn from our friends and from society as a whole.  Some of these things may be helpful, for example, our friends feel loved when we give them a hug. But some of them may be more destructive, for example if we think we need to be promiscuous to be cool.

What's healthy is different for different people, but usually it consists of only giving as much as you freely want to with no conditions.

Now, if we are giving too much, ie our boundaries are too loose, then our energy is likely to become depleted.  The end result of this is chronic fatigue.  I've worked with people who have lost their spark, they've lost their enthusiasm for life and they don't have motivation for even the fun stuff.

However, if we wall ourselves off from the world, only letting people in with a signed invitation in triplicate, then our hearts become closed and this will not only cause us to become isolated, but can also eventually lead to health problems.  We are naturally sociable beings, so if we're closing up and going against our nature, there is probably some kind of trauma or stress underlying it.

It's hard to change our level of boundaries.  We may feel guilty about tightening up boundaries that were too loose.  We may feel that we're becoming a bad person for not giving as much of ourselves as we did before and this might be difficult to adjust to.  However, as long as you are firm about where you stand, people will usually respect you for being clear about things.  The trouble comes when people who are used to the "old" you, struggle with adapting to the "new" you.  But this is their problem.  The important ones will work it out.

It's also quite hard to open up and loosen tight boundaries.  This can feel quite vulnerable and can feel quite risky.  However, no-one is suggesting you have to open up in one go.  It might be easier to take little steps and test the response you get at each stage.  And it may be that it's not appropriate to open up the same amount with everyone.

Again, as with many of my other blogs, I will say that it's perfectly possible to do this adjustment by yourself, but if you're finding it difficult, then a therapist can often be of help.  It's not necessary in today's society to struggle alone.

So I hope this gives you some food for thought about boundaries and the effect of not setting them at a healthy level.

Don't Give Up

I went to a funeral last Friday.  Fortunately for me, it wasn't someone I was close to, but it touched me deeply and I was acutely aware of how much the family and close friends must be suffering to lose someone they loved in such a tragic way.  The woman, who wasn't much older than myself, committed suicide after a battle with bi-polar disorder.

As I said, I didn't know her well, and therefore wouldn't presume to talk about her case and her suffering, but it does raise the issue in general about how people suffer with these conditions and how often they, sadly, don't find the help they need to deal with them and embrace their lives again.

As well as the sadness and grief I felt today, I also felt anger.  I felt the tragedy that, in today's society, people still aren't aware enough of these issues to be able to help those that suffer.   But I realise that a part of the problem with mental illness is that it's very difficult to understand what someone is going through unless you've gone through a similar situation yourself.

How can you know how someone can reach the point where they wish to take their own life if you've never felt that low?  How can you understand the bleakness that overtakes everything?  How can you even begin to imagine how someone who is well loved would think that their family would be better off without them?  How can you believe that every bit of hope has gone from them, that they don't believe things will ever get better?

Luckily for me in my story, I never lost hope, even if at times it was only a small glimmer.   The vicar at the funeral today read out a quote from Anne Frank -"Where there's hope, there's life".  And I truly believe that hope is what keeps people alive when they are in the depths of their suffering.

But as well as hope there needs to be professional support.  I know that the help I provide isn't mainstream, and I would never profess to be able to cure people of anything.  However myself and other such health professionals can provide help to ease the emotional suffering people go through.  Kinesiology and homeopathy helped me when I was going through my depression and I wouldn't be where I am today without them.

I have no issue with people who prefer to go down the mainstream route of medication but, please know that if whatever you are doing isn't working, whether mainstream or alternative, there are other options.  There are many therapies and treatments out there.  If one therapist isn't helping, try another one.  If one modality doesn't resonate with you, please try a different one.  If what was helping, stops helping, it may be time to change to something else.  Whatever happens, please don't suffer alone and please don't ever lose hope.

I know what I went through with my own depression.  I know the emotional pain I suffered. I remember countless times when I phoned my homeopath in hysteria, not knowing what to do with myself.  I remember the times I’d lie in my bed in unbearable emotional agony, not being able to find any relief. 

Back then, I didn't feel I could talk about any of this.  At the time I felt that I was probably over-reacting, or I was being weak and crap.  Because I never received a proper diagnosis of my condition,  I often questioned whether I actually had one. 

So I did the opposite, I tried to hide it.  I tried to present a positive, together front for the world.  I tried to be OK.  And because I lived alone and I was OK for a lot of the time, it worked pretty well.  I expect very few people, know what I went through.

I still find it hard to talk about this now, but this isn't about me.  I’m sure many people have gone through what I went through and suffered alone too.  This is about encouraging people to get help.  This is about encouraging people not to give up when things seem so bleak you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  This is about trying to prevent the suffering people go through when one person feels they have no alternative but to give up.

So please, if you or anyone you know is suffering from emotional pain of any kind, please seek help and know that you don't have to go through this alone.

2 + 2 = 5 Syndrome

This is a term I use to explain what we do when we make connections that end up limiting us in our lives.

Often these connections come from a stressful situation. Eg if someone harshly takes the piss out of me when I tell a joke, then I might learn that it is never safe to tell jokes.  Whereas there might be times when it isn't safe, or a good idea to tell them, it's hardly true that it is never safe.  Hence the title of this blog 2+2=5.  We over connect and come up with conclusions that aren't really true.

We would normally know that these things aren't linked.  However when we are either very young, or we encounter a situation that stresses us, we react from a different part of our brain and we can easily make these links.

We do this to protect ourselves.  It comes from the flight or fight response.  If, back in stone age times, we saw someone attacked by a wild animal, then when we see that type of animal again, we run before it gets near us.  We learn that the wild animal will harm us and that knowledge keeps us safe.

Nowadays, we don't usually encounter dangers of this type, but we've retained the mechanism for making connections.

I often treat clients who seem to think they shouldn't have made these connections, as it somehow means they weren't being very smart, but actually the opposite is true.  The more intelligent we are, the better we are at making connections, and the more likely we are to make these kind of connections when under extreme stress.

The good news is that all these connections can be taken apart at a any stage when they are no longer serving us - either with the help of a therapist, or just with good self-awareness.

Projection - What Picture Are We Creating?

I have been motivated to write about this by some comments on a Facebook status.  So often I find these discussions that show up really interesting food for thought.

The post started off with the following picture:

We often find ourselves in situations where we don't feel we're getting a great response from people. Sometimes that will happen, but how we respond to it makes a big difference.

So, firstly we need to acknowledge that we often have a desired outcome to our communication.  For example, if I said "hello" to someone, I would probably expect them to say "hello" back.  If they said "yellow" back, it would somewhat confuse me.

So the next stage would probably be for me to ask myself why they've said that.  They may be trying to be funny.  They may have misheard what I said and "yellow" might be a completely valid response to what they thought they heard.  They might have some kind of learning disability which causes them to respond in an unusual manner.  Or some other options.


So, what most people do in this situation, usually unconsciously, is ask themselves why they might have responded to a "hello" with "yellow".  This means we've missed the option of mishearing because we've already assumed the initial message got through.  We also may make other assumptions which continue to narrow down the options we get.

Maybe we decide that there is no way we'd respond in that way because to us it isn't funny, it isn't clever and it doesn't make sense.  Therefore if we were to respond that way, we would be being extremely rude.

We then project this onto the other person and deduce that they must have been being rude to us.

Then we have an area for possible conflict, especially if the other person projects back onto us their assumptions.  In a more serious example than the one above, it could escalate into a massive falling out.

People can often mis-hear of mis-understand us, or we can with them.  What might seem like a perfectly reasonable statement when it leaves the sender can be received in a very different way.

People have different values.  What might seem rude or offensive to one person, might not even register on the radar of etiquette for someone else.  This can be particularly relevant where there are cultural differences. but it's best not to assume that a similar culture means similar values.

I've found that people very rarely intend to offend.  We want harmonious relationships in our lives.  However, if we mistake our projected meaning for a correct interpretation, we are unlikely to give the other person the chance to explain or make amends.

So what is the solution to all this?  It comes down to awareness, as does so much in life.  If someone's response seems strange, consider there may be an alternative reason to the one that seems to be glaring us in the face.  The key is to catch yourself and break the unconscious pattern.  Once you realise you may be projecting, you can consider other possible reasons for their response.  The best way of resolving the situation is to ask the person what they meant by their response.  Clear, honest and open communication can go a long way to clear up misunderstandings.

So next time you feel uncomfortable, consider whether you are projecting your beliefs onto the situation.

Happiness is a Choice

This article was prompted by a recent communication with a friend, who declared that she couldn't be happy because of various things that had happened to her.  I think many of us have at some point felt the same - that happiness is an end product, a result you gain when your life is perfect, when you have enough money, when you find that perfect partner.  The list goes on.

However, I'd like to dispute that.  Happiness is a choice we make every day.  And once we've achieved happiness, then often the other things follow.

The key is to take charge of our emotions, rather than letting them take charge of us.  Often we feel extremely justified as to how we feel.  We can explain in great detail why we feel the way we do.  However, does this serve us?

For example, my friend had many regrets; things she wished were different about her past, but these were things which she can't change now.  And yet, she held these things responsible for her unhappiness.  Now, if she could make the choice to let these thing go and decide to be happy in spite of them, she would have a better quality of life.

I used to react to everything negative, but nowadays I'm far more in control of how I respond.  For example, last night I got a power cut.  I calmly lit my candles and finished up before going to bed, hoping it would be back in the morning.  It wasn't, and I also found that my shed was damaged and needed urgent repairs to make it waterproof before I headed off to work.

Now, in the past, I would have stressed and ranted and felt that the world was extremely unfair to put this kind of burden on me - and just before Christmas too.  And then I would probably have worried about how long the power would stay off and the impact on the food in my fridge and freezer. These unwanted thoughts would have gone round and round my head, preventing me from doing anything else useful.

Today, I've just taken it in my stride.  There's absolutely nothing I can practically do to fix the power.  If food goes off, then it will have to be chucked out, but luckily I'm not hosting Christmas, or I'd have rung round some friends to make other arrangements.  And I've decamped to work, where I have warmth, light and broadband.  I'm very happy here.

So generally in life, I invite you to decide which choices you really wish to make.  Do you really want to respond negatively to a situation?  Do you really want to respond argumentatively to someone who's pressing your buttons?  Do you really want to hold on to the wrongs done to you in the past?

Or would you rather choose to be happy?

Don't Fear Perceived Failure

I was thinking the other day about the pressure we put on ourselves to be perfect.  It was triggered by 2 friends who are taking on new voluntary roles.  The first was apologising in advance for possibly messing up. I don't think anyone who knows him thinks he'll mess up, but that was quite a big concern of his.  I then was thinking, in contrast, of another friend who reminds us that she is still learning her role and will not be perfect yet.  And then she does the best that she can.

I used to be a perfectionist.  I hold my hands up to this.  I'd be proud of the quality of my work.  I'd love to hear compliments about it.  However, the flip-side was that I'd take ages to get anything finished and I'd often procrastinate if I wasn't sure it would be perfect enough, so sometimes the task wouldn't get done at all. And I'd carry around this ever growing list of things to do, which put extra stress on me.

Now I'm not advocating that we don't do our best, but our best will vary according to not only our ability, but also our current level of experience, how we're feeling that day, and what other pressures we have going on in our lives.

There are times when perfection is relevant - if you are a surgeon or operating dangerous machinery, for example.  However how I design my business cards really isn't one of them; it's more like a journey, each version can be a little bit different as I evolve my ideas and experience.

It's also good to think of where we'd be if, as babies, we didn't risk failure in learning to walk and talk.  How would it be if we looked at the baby next to us who was more developed in these skills and decided it wasn't worth us bothering as we couldn't do it right now.  It seems a ridiculous notion, but many people do exactly this as adults.

So, don't let the fear of perceived failure, put extra pressure on you, or stop you doing something.  Be honest with people as to your experience and do the best you can.

It's Christmas (oh heck!)

So December has arrived for its annual visit and the shops are full of festive cheer.  I've heard that people have started decorating their homes, although I leave mine a bit later than this, due to the fact that my Christmas tree is so large it takes up too much space for it to be there too long.

Now, I love the festive season.  I love the build up, the parties, the choosing presents for my loved ones, the singing of carols, and finally spending Christmas itself with my family.  But I realise from talking to other people that not everyone is so lucky.  So I thought I'd address this here and offer some help.

Christmas is a very significant time of the year.  Whether we like it or not, we're sold a fairy tale annually by the retail community.  As much as we may try to ignore it, it's very difficult not to compare your experience with this.  If, for whatever reason, your past Christmases weren't brilliant, you may have a sinking feeling each year.

If you are now the one responsible for "getting Christmas together", you may feel a lot of pressure to make it perfect for all your guests, which can leave you tired and time-starved before it even arrives.

If you are unfortunate to have had a sad occasion happen at a previous Christmas, the arrival of each year can trigger unresolved grief.

If you used to have great Christmases, but your situation has now changed and you've lost these, this annual holiday can bring up unresolved feelings of regret.

And finally, if you're unfortunate to have to spend Christmas with people in whose company you wouldn't normally choose to spend time, you may end up with conflict and maybe even arguments.

The good news is, that in all these situations, kinesiology can help clear the stress.  It gently removes the stress around the triggering events and changes the association we have linked to Christmas.  It will leave you feeling happier and less burdened and more able to enjoy the festive season in your own way.

So if you'd like to create the positive Christmas experience you'd really like, please do get in touch - 01635 581682 or roskitson@googlemail.com.

Resistance to Healing

I recently have undergone some therapy.  I do this often - I think most therapists do, maybe more than most, because we know just how beneficial it is.  But I digress...

This therapy included listening to some hypnosis CDs each day.  That sounds easy, right?  Well, I've managed to stick to it, but what was interesting was that I noticed quite a lot of resistance to it at the start.

To briefly summarise, the point was to re-programme my subconscious, which is great and just what I wanted to happen.  However, my subconscious, which I learnt recently, only develops until the age of 6, didn't wholly agree that it wanted to change and tried to throw a childish tantrum.  I got some mild headaches and I got very tired.  I also got the feeling that it would be easier if I didn't bother.

Luckily,  having been in this business for a while now, I recognised these symptoms for what they were and my conscious (the adult part of my brain) decided to override these impulses.  I also had a gentle chat with my subconscious, thanking it for dealing with things the best it could in the past and telling it kindly that it didn't have to take on all these extra duties, which were really the role of the conscious, any more.

The next time I listened to the CD, I felt a much greater relaxation and felt energised at the end.

Now, this can happen with any holistic therapy.  As we heal, part of ourselves can want to hold on to the old ways of being.  It may be that the old ways were a form of protection.  It may be that this part fears what will happen when change comes.

The key is to be aware of the resistance for what it is.  We can't fight resistance; we have to gently coerce it to change.  Think about how you'd like to be approached in order to change and use the same approach when you talk to your subconscious.

You may find amazing things happen.

Don't Try Too Hard

We've all probably been told at some point in our lives to try harder.  Maybe by our parents or school teachers, or seen it written on a school report.  Nowadays it's very common to hear people say "I'll try" in response to a request to do something.  But what is actually going on energetically with this?

To start with, the confirmation that you'll "try" suggests that you may succeed or you may fail.  It therefore prepares the person you're talking to for either outcome.  It also lets you off the hook if you don't achieve whatever you were setting out to do as you pre-warned that it might not happen.  Now that's fine if you're referring to something that isn't very important, but not so good if it's a priority.  "I'll try and get to the gym this week."  If I were to hear those words from someone, I wouldn't be very sure they'd actually make it.

The word "try" also suggests a lot of effort.  "I'm going to try and push that car along the road."  Well, I'll heave and heave and I may shift it a bit, but it's going to take all my strength to do it.  Similarly, "I'll try to clean the kitchen today" suggests that this will be a mammoth job that may well take ages and leave us drained to exhaustion.  That's not really likely to inspire us to get started.  In fact, it creates resistance.

I would suggest that firstly, we just make a decision whether or not we truly want to take action.  For that, we need to dig down and find out our underlying motivations.  What are our reasons for doing it?  Are we just trying to placate another person when we have no intention of doing it? Is there buried fear around doing it, even if we're not sure exactly what that fear is?

Then if we decide to do it, affirm that we are going to do it.  "I'm going to the gym this week" has much more certainty to it.  I'd be more likely to believe this.  Also, if we affirm an intention to someone else, we often feel more accountable to take the action, which can help us find motivation when it's not forthcoming.

By affirming rather than trying, we're going with the flow rather than fighting against the current.  Affirmations help create a new reality.   If we affirm that we are becoming fitter, then we are likely to attract things to help us create that, including the motivation to go to the gym.

If we decide not to do something, be honest.  Let the other person know why and be accountable for your choice. They may not like it, but in the long run, they'll probably respect you more for your honesty and for setting clear boundaries.

So next time you hear yourself say the word "try", check out whether it is really serving you.

Are you feeling down?

A couple of days ago, I met up with a friend, who was not feeling her normal positive self.  She had a couple of nerve-racking events coming up, but she seemed very flustered generally.  She said she felt heavy and seemed to lack her normal confidence.

So I thought I'd write a little article about why this happens and how we can get ourselves out of it.

Firstly, I'd like to say that this is a pretty normal reaction to the stresses and strains of every day life.  From time to time we're bound to slip off the positivity plateau that I'm sure all my readers frequent on a regular basis.  Oh, you don't?  Well read on...

There's a big difference between falling off this plateau and staying down.  The second state is one which hopefully you can avoid.

Our emotional state is one which will always fluctuate.  The word emotion can be broken down into e-motion.  The "e" stands for energy, so emotions are energy in motion.  Hence they are designed to move, ie fluctuate.  There is no problem with feeling anything in life.  The problems come when you get stuck there, as anything which is stuck can't move.

The other point to recognise is that this movement is in a vibratory pattern.  How fast or slow these emotions vibrate depends on how positive or negative they are to us.  In simple terms, the closer they are to love or fear - love being the most positive and fear being the most negative.  Try it out for yourself: what order would you put the following: contentment, anger, frustration, bliss?

The next thing is what to do about it.  Well there are a few options.   The easiest and quickest is to use your self-talk to boost your emotional vibration.  Your what, I hear you cry?  Your self-talk - the little voice inside your head which, if you're feeling negative, is probably saying ridiculously untrue things like "I'll never do it", "I'm not good enough" and often gets worse and worse as we spiral downwards.

For some reason us humans find this state quite sticky.  We can very easily get immersed in such a state, but we do ourselves great harm with negative self-talk.

So the obvious solution is to monitor what we're thinking and change it for the opposite.  So if we find ourselves saying "I'll never do it", immediately change this to "I'll easily do it".  You may not believe it straight away, but if you keep replacing the negative statements with positive ones, then you'll soon start to. You only believe the negative ones because you've repeated them so much.

This works very well for sudden emotion drops, when they are a temporary state.  For more long term states of low emotion, we often need to do a bit more.  It's still worth replacing your self-talk, but often we find it harder, or the results come more slowly, which can discourage us.  It might be worth interrogating the emotions (gently) to find out where they came from.  We might recognise them as the voice of a parent or teacher from when we were younger and that might be enough for us to disown them and replace them with a new positive voice of our own.

If we're still not getting the results we want, chatting to a friend can help.  Remember, it's great to talk to someone who can empathise with the fact you're having a hard time, but not someone who's going to agree with you that life sucks, unless you really want to remain stuck in a low vibration.

And if none of this is helping, it might be worth getting some professional help.  I can help you find the root cause of the negative emotions and help you transform them in to positive ones.  There's no need to stay down.

The Process of Process

Process is a word that comes up a lot in healing circles.  People talk about being in process or processing stuff, but what does it actually mean and how does it work?

When something changes in our life - circumstances, or our feelings about something - we go through a period of transformation.  Sometimes that's quite smooth and quick, but at other times it can be quite challenging.

Take, for example, moving house.  When moved from my last house to my present one, both of which I liked, there was a period where I felt uncomfortable in the new house.  I hadn't yet got to the point where I felt at home there, but I'd already left the last place, so I couldn't return there either.  Eventually I made the new place home and things became more comfortable, but the period of adjustment is what we know as the process.

One thing that can come up during a process is uncertainty.  That may be one of the reasons I found it hard to adjust my new home - it was all new and unfamiliar.

However process happens with other types of change too.  It might be that an organisation or group you're involved in wants to change something.  The tendency is often to resist the change or take it as a personal criticism, but it might be that the change will result in something even better.  We might want to resolve everything very quickly so we know where we stand, but we will probably have to go through a period of process.  If a large number of people are involved then they will need to have their views heard and they may change their views during the process.  The uncertainty can feel uncomfortable until a new equilibrium is found.

In the same way, when we go through therapeutic healing, whether we do this by ourselves or with a professional therapist, we are also going through a change. We're changing from the person we were to the person we are becoming.  Although this will be a positive change, the unknown element can make it feel a bit strange for a while.  As unresolved issues come to the surface, we can feel uncomfortable.  As we let go of the old, we can feel a bit empty.  As we take a new step into the unknown, we can feel vulnerable.

The key to all this is patience and trust.  An awareness of what process is can make it easier for us. Rather than panicking that we're somehow going mad or that a decision feels wrong, we can ride it out calmly.  It is also important to let others go through their own process.  By recognising this, we can give them space and respect until they have found their new balance.

So I wish you the best for your next process.  Enjoy.

Forgiveness Sets You Free

I first learnt about forgiveness when I was in school.  It's mentioned in the bible and in the Lord's Prayer, but I never really understood what it was all about.  I thought back then, that it was all about letting the other person off the hook; saying "I'm OK with what you did to me".  I thought it was all about setting the other person free.

So therefore, over the years, there have been many things that have happened that I have not wanted to forgive.  Being a person who used to hold onto stuff, this was probably even more of an issue to me than to some people.  I wanted people to understand what they'd done to me - although, interestingly, I rarely actually told them.  I wanted them to feel the pain that I felt.  However I doubt they ever did, when I couldn't tell them how I felt.  So instead, I carried around the pain and the inability to let the past go.

I've since found out that forgiveness has very little to do with the other person.  It's all do do with us - setting ourselves free of the past.  It is also often to do with reconciling ourselves with what we've experienced through our interaction with another person, but we do it for ourselves.  

It still can be difficult.  We have to understand that the other person may not have been able to do any better at that particular time in their lives.  This can be challenging if their behaviour contravenes our values.  However it's good to remember that we've all behaved less than impeccably at some point in our lives, even though we didn't intend to.

But that's not the hardest part.  That comes next when we have to forgive our part in it.  What do you mean? I hear you cry. It wasn't my fault.  I didn't ask for it to happen. No, I'm sure you didn't. People rarely do ask for unpleasant things to happen to them.  However there is usually emotional residue left around the fact that we let this stuff happen to us.  

We can have attachment to the fact we weren't stronger or wiser or more aware; that we didn't choose to walk away; that we didn't fight back.  Whatever it is, we need to forgive ourselves in order to complete the process and move on.  We are on our path, just like everyone else and it is pointless to beat ourselves up for not being far enough along before the event to have the insight that the event has given us.  After all, we learn and grow from the challenging experiences we have.

Once you've done all this, you will hopefully be able to see the event as just another experience of your life, that has positively made you into the person you are today.

Then you have set yourself free.

Our Defining Issue

How do we see ourselves?  Do we see ourselves the same way that others see us?  And more importantly, do we define ourselves by what we see?

When working with clients, I often hear "I am ...." or "I do...." as a way of explaining who they are.  It's usually followed by "I've been doing this as long as I can remember".  However, they are usually seeing me in order to change this very thing, and I'm hearing them affirming the old version of themselves over and over again.

So my challenge to them and to everyone else out there who wants to change is:

Are you prepared to re-define yourself?

It's a tricky one, because on the one hand, we want rid of all the negative behaviour traits and negative emotions associated with the old "us".  But on the other hand, the old version feels safe and there are probably parts of it we like.

I used to be a perfectionist.  I prided myself on getting things right, doing things well and getting good feedback from others.  However there were things I wouldn't do, in case they weren't perfect, and things that took far longer than they needed to, because they had to be perfect.  And, there was all the verbal "beating up" of myself when I failed to reach perfection.  Then there were all the things - the whoops moments - I could say I'd never done.  And those were the things I defined myself by.

Now I'm "good enough".  Wow, what a liberating phrase!  And I have lots of whoops moments.  Whoops - I set myself a schedule this week and I haven't kept to it 100%.  But it is good enough for now.

When I was younger, I got drunk and I smoked.  I saw it as a cool thing to do, and a way of being part of a social group.  I felt it was some kind of rebellion against the sensible behaviour I'd been brought up with, and this made it exciting.  I've now given up both and had to go through a huge redefinition to do that. I've had to change the focus in my life from fitting in with an existing social group to prioritising my health.  I've had to learn how to be social without a drink and a cigarette in my hand, and what that new version of me is like.

With the drinking, the redefinition happened because of the change, but with the smoking, the redefinition had to happen first in order to make the change.

So, enough about me.  What changes in your life are you preventing by how you define yourself?  An easy way to check out your self-definition is to listen to your self-talk.  What things do you say to yourself over and over again?  What do you say to yourself when you are in a challenging situation?  What do you say to yourself when you think of making that change you keep saying you want?

Then think about the pay-offs associated with this definition. There are always some.  Do you feel it fits you into a social group?  Do you feel it'll help you be accepted and approved of?  Do you feel it gives you a get-out clause when things get too much to bear?  It's important to acknowledge these as they give you the awareness which helps you change.

Then decide which version you'd like to be.  You might find that you come to a new decision.

Time to Heal

We heal when our buried past surfaces and can be released.  We all have some buried blocks as we've all had stress in our pasts which we couldn't resolve, but for the most part they stay buried.

We carry on with our lives, our often very busy lives and we tell ourselves we don't have time to relax, let alone be ill.  However sometimes that's exactly what we need to do.

When blocks start to surface, they often feel uncomfortable.  Sometimes we don't understand why we're feeling that way and even find that we can't actually pinpoint our exact symptoms. We're not exactly "ill", but we're definitely not feeling ourselves.  This is often the time we reach for our addictions: a bar of chocolate, a cigarette, a glass of wine or even a pattern of behaviour.  These addictive behaviours may make us feel better in the short term, but what they're doing is numbing us to what's happening and pushing the blocks back down into our bodies.  Be warned, however, our bodies want to heal, so they will resurface again and again until we release them.

Space also encourages our blocks to come up. This is why some people feel uncomfortable when they find themselves on their own with a whole day to fill and no clear objectives. We may moan about the pressure we find ourselves under in our lives, but it keeps us safe from having to deal with our past and having to feel the discomfort that can arise.

However, I find that this discomfort is usually worse if we resist the process.  If we give ourself the day off, listen to our body and address its needs, whether that's a day in bed, or a long walk, or curling up with a good book, the process will progress all the more easily.  If we can't give ourself a whole day off, an hour each evening when we do nothing can be extremely beneficial.

Also, it's important to remember that these emotions can't hurt us.  It's our associations with the feelings and our resistance to the emotions that cause the problems.  Also our panic that we don't know what to do about them.  The word emotion comes from energy in motion and the motion bit is important.  In fact, all we have to do is notice them, breath and watch as they flow through us, probably changing a few times on the way, and eventually go.

And to do this, all we really need is time to heal.

Clearing Out the Blocks

I'm often asked how exactly we clear our blocks and how long it will take.  Recently I used the analogy of clearing out a cupboard to explain this, so I thought I'd reproduce it here.

You know how it is, over time we accumulate possessions that we don't know what to do with.  We have people coming round and need to clear up, so it gets put away in the cupboard (substitute drawer, box, etc). Gradually this cupboard fills up so that we can no longer fit anything in to it.  And when we do open it, things fall out and have to be shoved back in.  So after a while we don't open it unless we have to.

So it is with our emotional clutter.  Often we can't process an event when it happens. We are either just too young and so we're going to be more sensitive to external influences, or the event was to sudden and unexpected to be able to get our heads round it.  Either way, most of us have had may of these such experiences throughout our lives. Add to that growing up in a culture of pretending we're OK and a lack of information and support on how to process traumatic experiences and the emotional clutter piles up.

Then comes the moment when we want to take control of our lives; the time that we have to start de-cluttering the emotional cupboard.  So how do we do it?

Well, as in de-cluttering our physical cupboards, everyone does it in a slightly different way. Some people will assume that as they haven't looked in the cupboard for several years, there can't be anything that they need in there. So they hire a skip and out it all goes.  But for many of us, (me included) we can't just throw away things without going through them first.  I know that I have to check every individual item before I can throw it away because there might be a little gem that I'll want to keep.  Often I can't throw something away one week, but a few weeks on and I'm suddenly able to let it go.  I can have days when I clear out bags of stuff and other days when despite my best intentions, there doesn't seem to be anything I'm able to let go.

So it is with our emotional clutter. Some of us will clear it quickly, others will clear it gradually.  There is no way someone else can force us to let go of our blocks, we have to be ready ourselves to do this.  A friend told me yesterday that he was building up to booking an appointment with a therapist - that was just the way he worked.  I totally understand this.

The beauty of kinesiology is that the way we clear our blocks is determined by the muscle testing process, which is tapping into the energy of the client. The session will only move as quickly as the client is able to cope with.  Therefore the client can be assured that I'm not going to come along and throw away their entire contents of their emotional cupboard without their permission.  

Now you may think that doing just that would be a good thing, and on a conscious level, I'm sure many of my clients would be quite happy for that to happen.  But on a subconscious level, what happens is that it triggers the blocked emotions and we feel huge amounts of fear or stress.  The way of kinesiology is to do the work gently in cooperation with the client.

So now you know this, hopefully you'll understand why I can't give a detailed prediction of how long it will take a particular person to clear their blocks. But also, maybe it'll encourage you to open the door on your own emotional cupboard and start letting the contents go.

Are you Aligned to Your Goals?

I use the word "aligned" a lot these days, but when I had to spend an evening explaining what I actually meant by it recently, I figured there may well be lots of other people out there who have no idea what I'm on about too.

The dictionary defines the verb to align as to bring into line or agreement.  I work with energy, so I'm referring to the act of bringing our energy into line or agreement with our goals.

Now, although this might sound a strange thing to try and do, we are actually doing it every day of our lives.  In order to wake up, we move our energy from subconscious to conscious. In order to go to sleep, we wind our energy down from active to relaxed.  When we go to work, we become the person who is an expert at our job.  When we are out with friends our energy may change to a slightly different version of ourselves.

People who reach their goals easily can align themselves to their goals.  However many of us find this difficult. The most important thing to know about this is that we can tell how aligned we are by the results we are producing in the world.  If we are aligned with what we are wanting to do, we physically produce results.

If we wish to go on holiday, we'll be aligned when we actually make the booking and go.  If we wish to set up a business,we'll be aligned when the clients come.  If we wish to change a habit, we'll be aligned when we actually make the change.

As regular readers will probably have guessed by now, the reason we are not able to align with our goals is that our blocks get in the way.  Maybe we want to go on holiday, but we're fearful that taking time off work will cause more stress.  Maybe we wish to be self-employed, but relying on such an uncertain income leaves us feeling insecure.  Maybe we wish to give up smoking but it's very ingrained in our social culture.

But what's more likely, is that we think we're aligned but the results aren't coming because these blocks are hidden from us.  What we may experience is resistance to taking action, or we may feel that our heart isn't quite in it, or we may just have no idea why the results aren't coming.

The good news is that if we remove all the blocks, we naturally come into alignment with our intentions and therefore our goals.  That's the law of attraction: we attract things that match the energy we give out.  So as long as we are giving out the energy of being in alignment with our goals, we will attract the physical results of these goals.

The even better news is that kinesiology can help even if we aren't aware of our blocks.  It has a rather uncanny and brilliant way of bringing them to awareness before clearing the stress they bring.

So, now you understand this, I ask the question again, Are you aligned to your goals?

The Importance of Rest

On Sunday, I had a duvet day.  I'd been in a show last week, so after a busy day on the Saturday and a very late night due to the after show party, I needed a rest.

Now, normally, I'd probably have pushed through and tried to get on with the things piling up on my to-do list.  But I thought I'd try a different tactic this time.  This time, I embraced doing nothing.  And it was wonderfully liberating.

Now, I can hear you saying, "it's alright for you, I don't have the time to do nothing". And I realise I am in a fortunate state, that I can do this. But it does raise the issue of how important rest is.

Firstly, we don't function at full par when we're over tired.  Extreme tiredness is a form of stress for our bodies and stress has a negative effect on brain function.  We make mistakes and things can either take longer, or be of a lower standard.

Secondly, it's hard work being tired.  Life is less pleasant and things we'd normally take in our stride, become difficult to cope with.  We become over sensitive to things and can become emotional or irritable around others. And obviously, we need to mention that overriding desire to go back to bed.

Thirdly, and less obviously, we can become hyper.  Sometimes it's just adrenaline which is keeping us awake, or we can turn to caffeine and sugar.  This will take its toll on our body, and if we keep this up too long it can lead to burnout.

So, on Sunday, I snuggled down under the duvet, read copious amounts of Facebook and ended the day with a dose of Downton Abbey.

And by Monday I was back to normal energy levels.  So it paid off.

Why not try it sometime?

Hidden Resistance

I'm referring to the hidden type. The times when we set ourselves a goal and then struggle to implement it. All the good intentions that we never carry out.  The new year resolutions we break in week 1.  It all seems so simple when we're in the planning stage but somehow the plans don't translate into action.

The reason is often resistance. But obviously it would be too easy if we just sat there and had an argument with ourselves, so instead our subconscious comes up with very plausible reasons why we can't take action.

What is underneath this is often a fear - of failure, of success, or something else - but it's often not obvious.  And the reason often wants to be kept hidden.  Unless we're being very honest with ourselves, we often don't admit to being frightened of success, for example, but anything that provokes a change can scare us.

My personal favourite is tiredness (but you could also have busyness, mental confusion, mild headaches, nausea or many others). As soon as I come up against something that challenges me in some way and tries to take me out of my comfort zone, I suddenly feel the need to sleep for a week.  I've often wondered whether there is something wrong with me, but having sorted out my diet and my sleeping patterns, I know it's just plain resistance.  If I'm "tired" then I can't possibly even attempt the task.

But the downside of this is that things just seem to go round and round in circles and I feel like I'm up against a brick wall.  It can get very frustrating at times.

Recently I was fortunate enough to have some life coaching sessions with Angie Taher of AT Coaching.  She describes these resistance patterns as "gremlins" and suggests we directly take back control by distracting ourselves.  Clicking our fingers, making a noise, or some kind of movement when the gremlin rears its head  reminds us that we're in charge, rather than the gremlin.

It might take some time, but by doing this, you're retraining yourself and letting the gremlin know it no longer has any power over you.  It might be hard work initially, but you'll come through it stronger and more empowered.