Who's Problem - Part 2

Why do we have a problem with certain people?

Now we've established it's our problem (see the last post), we often still don't understand why. And this can make it harder to focus on resolving it - the focus keeps shifting back to the other person, with feelings of being hard done by, or being a victim.

I believe in Law of Attraction: we attract what we put out. Therefore I believe that by changing something in ourselves, we can change our experiences.  And I find this very empowering.

Firstly, it's very important to remind ourselves, constantly, that we must focus on ourselves in order to change. We cannot change another person, and indeed, most people are somewhat resistant to being changed. We like to be accepted for who we are rather than being criticized for what we are not.  However, we do change from our own choice when presented with different external circumstances.

Think about how you respond to different people depending on the dynamics of the individual relationships.  Some people will snap at you, some may sulk, some may be totally accepting of you, whatever you seem to do.  Each one will bring out a different aspect of your personality.  In exactly the same way, you bring out a different aspect of other people's personality by the way you are around them.

So if you are having a problem with someone, have a look at the way you are being around them. If someone was being that way around you, how would it make you feel?  They won't necessarily respond in the same way as you would, but it's a start.  In this way, we become more empathic and compassionate around others.

As a healer, I often feel the need to impart knowledge or advice to others who are suffering in some way.  And it can be frustrating to me when they don't immediately take action.  However, I know from my own experiences of being ill, that sometimes I just feel the need to hide away for a while and rest, without doing anything else. Then I'm ready to tackle my healing on a more conscious level.  It's sometimes hard for me to remember that others might have this need too.

Whereas it's important to recognise and stand up for our own needs, it's also useful in any communication to see the other person's point of view.  Understanding our effect on another person can be all we need to bring a different perspective to the situation and resolve our "problem".

Who's Problem?

How often do we find ourselves moaning about someone we love or have to work closely with and saying "they have such a problem" / "why can't they see they have a problem"?  And sometimes we even try to point out their problem, thinking that we're being helpful.

But who's problem is it really?

Well, let us look at the word "problem". The definition is any question or incident involving doubt, uncertainty or difficulty. So who has the doubt, uncertainty or difficulty? Answer: the person complaining.

So, if  my friend, partner or boss is annoying me with their behaviour, then however unreasonable we can persuade ourselves that they are being, we are actually the ones having the problem with them.  They might be totally unaware of any of this and, in fact, may be quite happily going through their lives without any problem at all.

So the next question to ask is: why we have a problem with their behaviour?

Have they gone back on an agreed set of behaviours? In which case, we would probably be advised to have a chat and remind them of the previous agreement.

Have we expected them to act in a certain way without any discussion or agreement?  This is often the case. We assume other people will behave in the way we would want them to, but they rarely do so 100% of the time. Recognising that you've made an assumption is the first step.  Then honest communication in a non-confrontational way. Instead of saying "you're annoying when you do this", try "I feel annoyed when you do that". By owning your feelings, you make it easier for the other person to hear without becoming defensive.  It's also important to acknowledge that your own feelings are valid.

It may be that you have differing values and you don't understand each other's problems. This can be challenging, but not insurmountable, as long as you go into a discussion with a willingness to understand and an open heart.

This can go a long way to helping us resolve our problems. There'll be more in my next post.

Transit of Venus

Last week there was a historical Transit of Venus across the face of the sun. These happen in pairs, the last one was in 2004. But now there won't be another one until 2117.  We've also recently had 2 eclipses (they come in 2s too), the second of which was also last week.  It's a huge time for change and new opportunities.

Venus in astrology represents love, relationships, the feminine and finance/business, so changes on a personal level and a societal level will reflect these themes.

I'm not an expert so I've included a few links for those who want to read more:

This one explains the different planetary alignments going on at the moment.

This one looks at what has been going on during the previous Transits of Venus and is more focussed on how society as a whole will be affected.

On a personal level, I had a strange week.  Events occurred which caused me a lot of stress, probably more then was logical for what happened. But some even better things came out of them.  However I didn't feel great and I'm only just back to feeling normal.  I've been very tired and rather emotional about things.  And I noticed from my friends' statuses on Facebook that I wasn't alone in this.

Sometimes, however willing we are to embrace change, it can be difficult to actually take on board. We  have to let the past go, sometimes this can be a challenge in itself.  We can invest a lot of ourselves in our habits and our beliefs. Sometimes, when we say goodbye to our past, there is a grieving process too.

Sometimes we struggle to assimilate the new patterns coming into our lives. There can be a period where we feel uncomfortable while we gradually become more familiar with it.  This can make us feel more emotional than normal, or just very tired.  It can make us feel spacey or even nauseous. At the worst, it can make us feel depressed.

So be gentle with yourself if you've had any of these symptoms and trust that this is the start of a new more exciting phase in your life.

The way I understand this Transit of Venus is that it's about getting rid of the old ways and embracing the new. However the changes won't necessarily be apparent at the moment, but when we look back, that's when we'll realise that it all started here.