Happiness is a Choice

This article was prompted by a recent communication with a friend, who declared that she couldn't be happy because of various things that had happened to her.  I think many of us have at some point felt the same - that happiness is an end product, a result you gain when your life is perfect, when you have enough money, when you find that perfect partner.  The list goes on.

However, I'd like to dispute that.  Happiness is a choice we make every day.  And once we've achieved happiness, then often the other things follow.

The key is to take charge of our emotions, rather than letting them take charge of us.  Often we feel extremely justified as to how we feel.  We can explain in great detail why we feel the way we do.  However, does this serve us?

For example, my friend had many regrets; things she wished were different about her past, but these were things which she can't change now.  And yet, she held these things responsible for her unhappiness.  Now, if she could make the choice to let these thing go and decide to be happy in spite of them, she would have a better quality of life.

I used to react to everything negative, but nowadays I'm far more in control of how I respond.  For example, last night I got a power cut.  I calmly lit my candles and finished up before going to bed, hoping it would be back in the morning.  It wasn't, and I also found that my shed was damaged and needed urgent repairs to make it waterproof before I headed off to work.

Now, in the past, I would have stressed and ranted and felt that the world was extremely unfair to put this kind of burden on me - and just before Christmas too.  And then I would probably have worried about how long the power would stay off and the impact on the food in my fridge and freezer. These unwanted thoughts would have gone round and round my head, preventing me from doing anything else useful.

Today, I've just taken it in my stride.  There's absolutely nothing I can practically do to fix the power.  If food goes off, then it will have to be chucked out, but luckily I'm not hosting Christmas, or I'd have rung round some friends to make other arrangements.  And I've decamped to work, where I have warmth, light and broadband.  I'm very happy here.

So generally in life, I invite you to decide which choices you really wish to make.  Do you really want to respond negatively to a situation?  Do you really want to respond argumentatively to someone who's pressing your buttons?  Do you really want to hold on to the wrongs done to you in the past?

Or would you rather choose to be happy?

Don't Fear Perceived Failure

I was thinking the other day about the pressure we put on ourselves to be perfect.  It was triggered by 2 friends who are taking on new voluntary roles.  The first was apologising in advance for possibly messing up. I don't think anyone who knows him thinks he'll mess up, but that was quite a big concern of his.  I then was thinking, in contrast, of another friend who reminds us that she is still learning her role and will not be perfect yet.  And then she does the best that she can.

I used to be a perfectionist.  I hold my hands up to this.  I'd be proud of the quality of my work.  I'd love to hear compliments about it.  However, the flip-side was that I'd take ages to get anything finished and I'd often procrastinate if I wasn't sure it would be perfect enough, so sometimes the task wouldn't get done at all. And I'd carry around this ever growing list of things to do, which put extra stress on me.

Now I'm not advocating that we don't do our best, but our best will vary according to not only our ability, but also our current level of experience, how we're feeling that day, and what other pressures we have going on in our lives.

There are times when perfection is relevant - if you are a surgeon or operating dangerous machinery, for example.  However how I design my business cards really isn't one of them; it's more like a journey, each version can be a little bit different as I evolve my ideas and experience.

It's also good to think of where we'd be if, as babies, we didn't risk failure in learning to walk and talk.  How would it be if we looked at the baby next to us who was more developed in these skills and decided it wasn't worth us bothering as we couldn't do it right now.  It seems a ridiculous notion, but many people do exactly this as adults.

So, don't let the fear of perceived failure, put extra pressure on you, or stop you doing something.  Be honest with people as to your experience and do the best you can.

It's Christmas (oh heck!)

So December has arrived for its annual visit and the shops are full of festive cheer.  I've heard that people have started decorating their homes, although I leave mine a bit later than this, due to the fact that my Christmas tree is so large it takes up too much space for it to be there too long.

Now, I love the festive season.  I love the build up, the parties, the choosing presents for my loved ones, the singing of carols, and finally spending Christmas itself with my family.  But I realise from talking to other people that not everyone is so lucky.  So I thought I'd address this here and offer some help.

Christmas is a very significant time of the year.  Whether we like it or not, we're sold a fairy tale annually by the retail community.  As much as we may try to ignore it, it's very difficult not to compare your experience with this.  If, for whatever reason, your past Christmases weren't brilliant, you may have a sinking feeling each year.

If you are now the one responsible for "getting Christmas together", you may feel a lot of pressure to make it perfect for all your guests, which can leave you tired and time-starved before it even arrives.

If you are unfortunate to have had a sad occasion happen at a previous Christmas, the arrival of each year can trigger unresolved grief.

If you used to have great Christmases, but your situation has now changed and you've lost these, this annual holiday can bring up unresolved feelings of regret.

And finally, if you're unfortunate to have to spend Christmas with people in whose company you wouldn't normally choose to spend time, you may end up with conflict and maybe even arguments.

The good news is, that in all these situations, kinesiology can help clear the stress.  It gently removes the stress around the triggering events and changes the association we have linked to Christmas.  It will leave you feeling happier and less burdened and more able to enjoy the festive season in your own way.

So if you'd like to create the positive Christmas experience you'd really like, please do get in touch - 01635 581682 or roskitson@googlemail.com.

Resistance to Healing

I recently have undergone some therapy.  I do this often - I think most therapists do, maybe more than most, because we know just how beneficial it is.  But I digress...

This therapy included listening to some hypnosis CDs each day.  That sounds easy, right?  Well, I've managed to stick to it, but what was interesting was that I noticed quite a lot of resistance to it at the start.

To briefly summarise, the point was to re-programme my subconscious, which is great and just what I wanted to happen.  However, my subconscious, which I learnt recently, only develops until the age of 6, didn't wholly agree that it wanted to change and tried to throw a childish tantrum.  I got some mild headaches and I got very tired.  I also got the feeling that it would be easier if I didn't bother.

Luckily,  having been in this business for a while now, I recognised these symptoms for what they were and my conscious (the adult part of my brain) decided to override these impulses.  I also had a gentle chat with my subconscious, thanking it for dealing with things the best it could in the past and telling it kindly that it didn't have to take on all these extra duties, which were really the role of the conscious, any more.

The next time I listened to the CD, I felt a much greater relaxation and felt energised at the end.

Now, this can happen with any holistic therapy.  As we heal, part of ourselves can want to hold on to the old ways of being.  It may be that the old ways were a form of protection.  It may be that this part fears what will happen when change comes.

The key is to be aware of the resistance for what it is.  We can't fight resistance; we have to gently coerce it to change.  Think about how you'd like to be approached in order to change and use the same approach when you talk to your subconscious.

You may find amazing things happen.

Don't Try Too Hard

We've all probably been told at some point in our lives to try harder.  Maybe by our parents or school teachers, or seen it written on a school report.  Nowadays it's very common to hear people say "I'll try" in response to a request to do something.  But what is actually going on energetically with this?

To start with, the confirmation that you'll "try" suggests that you may succeed or you may fail.  It therefore prepares the person you're talking to for either outcome.  It also lets you off the hook if you don't achieve whatever you were setting out to do as you pre-warned that it might not happen.  Now that's fine if you're referring to something that isn't very important, but not so good if it's a priority.  "I'll try and get to the gym this week."  If I were to hear those words from someone, I wouldn't be very sure they'd actually make it.

The word "try" also suggests a lot of effort.  "I'm going to try and push that car along the road."  Well, I'll heave and heave and I may shift it a bit, but it's going to take all my strength to do it.  Similarly, "I'll try to clean the kitchen today" suggests that this will be a mammoth job that may well take ages and leave us drained to exhaustion.  That's not really likely to inspire us to get started.  In fact, it creates resistance.

I would suggest that firstly, we just make a decision whether or not we truly want to take action.  For that, we need to dig down and find out our underlying motivations.  What are our reasons for doing it?  Are we just trying to placate another person when we have no intention of doing it? Is there buried fear around doing it, even if we're not sure exactly what that fear is?

Then if we decide to do it, affirm that we are going to do it.  "I'm going to the gym this week" has much more certainty to it.  I'd be more likely to believe this.  Also, if we affirm an intention to someone else, we often feel more accountable to take the action, which can help us find motivation when it's not forthcoming.

By affirming rather than trying, we're going with the flow rather than fighting against the current.  Affirmations help create a new reality.   If we affirm that we are becoming fitter, then we are likely to attract things to help us create that, including the motivation to go to the gym.

If we decide not to do something, be honest.  Let the other person know why and be accountable for your choice. They may not like it, but in the long run, they'll probably respect you more for your honesty and for setting clear boundaries.

So next time you hear yourself say the word "try", check out whether it is really serving you.

The Powerlessness of Rescue

I love creating the titles for all my blogs, but this has got to be one of my favourite.

Firstly, when I talk about rescue, I'm not referring to rescue from massive environmental disasters, or the sort of essential help we receive when we're ill.

What I'm talking about is the need some of us have to rescue people from their problems - the sort of problems they go round and round in circles with - the sort of problems that can impact on our lives by the very behaviour others exhibit - the sort of problems that the other person doesn't recognise as a problem.

The thing is, no-one can fix another person.  Their journey is just that - their journey.  As hard and as painful as it can be to see someone suffer, nagging them to change or rushing over to make everything as painless as you can is often not the best of most constructive help you can give.  I'm going to focus on some of the consequences of doing this.

Firstly, it can be very annoying.  I remember when I was struggling with various things in my life, people would offer "helpful advice" and then get annoyed with me when I explained why it wouldn't work.  The truth was that, although the advice was logically sound, I wasn't ready to make that step.  I needed to sort other stuff out first and no-one else but me could possibly know what order I needed to heal areas of my life in.

Secondly, it can be very dis-empowering.  If you're rescuing someone who laps up the help, it can lead to reliance on the helper.  Also it can lead to low self-esteem if the person feels they can't fix things his or herself and this can lead to a reluctance to even try.  This something I've been taught all the way through my professional training.  Do not encourage clients to become dependent on their therapist in the long term.

Thirdly, we need to be aware that rescue might be fulfilling a need in ourselves to be useful, to be appreciated, to be the one who's indispensable.  If these needs are left unchecked, what will happen if the person we are rescuing gets better.  Will we suddenly have a gap in our lives?  Does part of us need them not to on some level?  Or will we transfer our rescue on to someone else?  Some people have a pattern of helping good causes.  This is fine if it's in balance, but it can also mask a problem of not wanting to focus on ourselves.

If you find yourself in this situation, I invite you to think about the following questions.

Is the help you're offering life saving?  Obviously this is a no-brainer.  We're not suggesting leaving a loved one to die or have serious injury, but are you the best person to be dealing with it.  It might be more relevant to phone the emergency services and leave it to them if it happens repeatedly.

Are your worries for the future realistic or are you considering the worst case scenario?  Often our fears surpass what is likely to happen.  If you're not sure, reach out to someone else for an opinion that isn't clouded by the emotion of the situation.

What would you choose to do if your fear wasn't there?  Did you already have plans which the rescue would interfere with.  Maybe someone else go to help this time or maybe they could wait a bit until you're free to go.

What kind of help do you think is expected of you?   Is the person even asking for help or are they just letting you know what's happening with them?  If they are wanting help, do they mean they want you to drop everything and rush over to fix their whole life or do they want something a lot smaller from you?

Remember the best help is that which is given for our greatest and highest good.  Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.  Sometimes it's in the low points that we find the courage or the reason to change. I know that  I often have low points when I don't want to face something about my life, or I don't want to take some kind of action that would be beneficial.  No-one is a higher authority on our journey than ourselves, so be careful not to seem to be taking that authority away from another person.  The best thing we can do for another person is to support them in their journey with love, whilst focusing on our own needs.

Fear and Procrastination

How many of us put things off, which we know would be better if they were done now.  I know I have to put my hand up for that one.  For all those who scroll down to read the previous blog post, you'll see it was in August.  So for just over 2 months, I've procrastinated writing a new post.

I can come up with a thousand excuses; some of them sound very reasonable, some sound just plain ridiculous (even to me).  The truth is that I've procrastinated.  I've diverted myself onto other things because I haven't wanted to write.  I've wasted time because I haven't wanted to write.  I've even been ill for a little while, which gave me an excuse not to write.

But the truth of the matter is that there has been fear preventing me from writing.  Not the kind of easily identifiable fear.  I don't expect a big monster to come and eat me if I tap keys on my laptop.  No, this is the kind of hidden fear that lurks in the shadows and suggests that something bad might happen.  It doesn't quantify what, because then I could rationalise it away.  And it doesn't clearly explain to me what I'm frightened of; it persuades me I don't like writing, which is actually completely false, because I'm loving writing this.  It persuades me that I don't know what to write, which is also false, because I didn't know what I was going to write before I started writing this post and yet the words have come.

No, the truth is that I'm fearful of something deeper.  Maybe it's fear of failure, maybe fear of success, maybe fear of opening up, maybe fear of making a mistake. Maybe a bit of all of those.

The other important thing is that I'm completely normal.  It's take me a long while to come to that realisation, but it's true.  No matter how much I feel I'm alone with this, most people are fearful.  Some people are fearful of standing up in front of people, whether it's doing a presentation of being in a show.  Some people have a fear of making a phone call to someone they don't know.  Some people are fearful of asking for help and support.

Now, the thing with fear is that it can often come from events in our past.  If we had a bad experience in a school play, we might fear being on stage now.  However, sometimes the fear comes from doing something new, from stepping out of our comfort zone.  If you've always labelled yourself as someone who doesn't make phone calls, it's going to take you a little while to become comfortable with it.  I got into writing this blog over the spring and summer, but the longer I've left it unwritten, the harder it has been to reconnect with it.

The first step is literally taking the first step.  I've sat down at my laptop.  I invite you to stand up on stage, even if it's alongside someone else.  I invite you to pick up the phone and make one call on your list.  I invite you to ask one person for some help, even if it's the tiniest thing.  I invite you to take that first step and to realise that the monster doesn't actually come.  And when you've done that, congratulate yourself and plan step 2.

It's OK to feel fear while you're doing this.  We don't have to clear all the fear before we take action.  In fact, it is often not possible to do this.  We often have to take action in order to clear the fear.

So, I wish you courage to take the next step in to your power and I would love to hear how you get on.

Are you feeling down?

A couple of days ago, I met up with a friend, who was not feeling her normal positive self.  She had a couple of nerve-racking events coming up, but she seemed very flustered generally.  She said she felt heavy and seemed to lack her normal confidence.

So I thought I'd write a little article about why this happens and how we can get ourselves out of it.

Firstly, I'd like to say that this is a pretty normal reaction to the stresses and strains of every day life.  From time to time we're bound to slip off the positivity plateau that I'm sure all my readers frequent on a regular basis.  Oh, you don't?  Well read on...

There's a big difference between falling off this plateau and staying down.  The second state is one which hopefully you can avoid.

Our emotional state is one which will always fluctuate.  The word emotion can be broken down into e-motion.  The "e" stands for energy, so emotions are energy in motion.  Hence they are designed to move, ie fluctuate.  There is no problem with feeling anything in life.  The problems come when you get stuck there, as anything which is stuck can't move.

The other point to recognise is that this movement is in a vibratory pattern.  How fast or slow these emotions vibrate depends on how positive or negative they are to us.  In simple terms, the closer they are to love or fear - love being the most positive and fear being the most negative.  Try it out for yourself: what order would you put the following: contentment, anger, frustration, bliss?

The next thing is what to do about it.  Well there are a few options.   The easiest and quickest is to use your self-talk to boost your emotional vibration.  Your what, I hear you cry?  Your self-talk - the little voice inside your head which, if you're feeling negative, is probably saying ridiculously untrue things like "I'll never do it", "I'm not good enough" and often gets worse and worse as we spiral downwards.

For some reason us humans find this state quite sticky.  We can very easily get immersed in such a state, but we do ourselves great harm with negative self-talk.

So the obvious solution is to monitor what we're thinking and change it for the opposite.  So if we find ourselves saying "I'll never do it", immediately change this to "I'll easily do it".  You may not believe it straight away, but if you keep replacing the negative statements with positive ones, then you'll soon start to. You only believe the negative ones because you've repeated them so much.

This works very well for sudden emotion drops, when they are a temporary state.  For more long term states of low emotion, we often need to do a bit more.  It's still worth replacing your self-talk, but often we find it harder, or the results come more slowly, which can discourage us.  It might be worth interrogating the emotions (gently) to find out where they came from.  We might recognise them as the voice of a parent or teacher from when we were younger and that might be enough for us to disown them and replace them with a new positive voice of our own.

If we're still not getting the results we want, chatting to a friend can help.  Remember, it's great to talk to someone who can empathise with the fact you're having a hard time, but not someone who's going to agree with you that life sucks, unless you really want to remain stuck in a low vibration.

And if none of this is helping, it might be worth getting some professional help.  I can help you find the root cause of the negative emotions and help you transform them in to positive ones.  There's no need to stay down.

The Process of Process

Process is a word that comes up a lot in healing circles.  People talk about being in process or processing stuff, but what does it actually mean and how does it work?

When something changes in our life - circumstances, or our feelings about something - we go through a period of transformation.  Sometimes that's quite smooth and quick, but at other times it can be quite challenging.

Take, for example, moving house.  When moved from my last house to my present one, both of which I liked, there was a period where I felt uncomfortable in the new house.  I hadn't yet got to the point where I felt at home there, but I'd already left the last place, so I couldn't return there either.  Eventually I made the new place home and things became more comfortable, but the period of adjustment is what we know as the process.

One thing that can come up during a process is uncertainty.  That may be one of the reasons I found it hard to adjust my new home - it was all new and unfamiliar.

However process happens with other types of change too.  It might be that an organisation or group you're involved in wants to change something.  The tendency is often to resist the change or take it as a personal criticism, but it might be that the change will result in something even better.  We might want to resolve everything very quickly so we know where we stand, but we will probably have to go through a period of process.  If a large number of people are involved then they will need to have their views heard and they may change their views during the process.  The uncertainty can feel uncomfortable until a new equilibrium is found.

In the same way, when we go through therapeutic healing, whether we do this by ourselves or with a professional therapist, we are also going through a change. We're changing from the person we were to the person we are becoming.  Although this will be a positive change, the unknown element can make it feel a bit strange for a while.  As unresolved issues come to the surface, we can feel uncomfortable.  As we let go of the old, we can feel a bit empty.  As we take a new step into the unknown, we can feel vulnerable.

The key to all this is patience and trust.  An awareness of what process is can make it easier for us. Rather than panicking that we're somehow going mad or that a decision feels wrong, we can ride it out calmly.  It is also important to let others go through their own process.  By recognising this, we can give them space and respect until they have found their new balance.

So I wish you the best for your next process.  Enjoy.

Taking Some Time Out

For the last few weeks, I feel I've had no time for working on my business; a thing that I've found most frustrating when my energy has been very present and willing.  However the cause of this lack of time was that I've been organising the costumes for a local amateur theatre production.

I've loved it, and I feel that my life benefits from interests outside of my holistic work, but I was very concerned with how much time it was taking and this was after I'd delegated some of the work to my wonderful team of helpers.

I've been feeling torn.  I basically abandoned my work for the duration apart from seeing scheduled clients, but I haven't been that happy with this.

So I've been looking at what I can learn from the experience.  Firstly, I've learnt that I can manage a project and achieve a result within a fixed time frame.  Secondly I've learnt that I can manage people and they've seemed to be quite happy with how I've done it.  Thirdly, I've learnt that I'm not good at focusing on more than one thing at a time, when the things require creative energy.  And fourthly, I've learnt that I can work quite hard and long without getting stressed - something that didn't used to be the case.

I joked to one of my helpers that my goal was to complete the costumes without having a nervous breakdown, but I surpassed this by keeping calm right up to the end and it made the whole process a lot more enjoyable and easier to achieve.  We waste a lot of energy being agitated about things we can't change and although we often feel totally entitled to be stressed, it doesn't help us achieve our goals.

So now, the show is over, I've refocused back on my work and the very day I got a new client booking. A sure sign that when one door closes and other one opens.

If you would like to see some pictures of my lovely costumes, click here. You may need a Facebook account to view.

Forgiveness Sets You Free

I first learnt about forgiveness when I was in school.  It's mentioned in the bible and in the Lord's Prayer, but I never really understood what it was all about.  I thought back then, that it was all about letting the other person off the hook; saying "I'm OK with what you did to me".  I thought it was all about setting the other person free.

So therefore, over the years, there have been many things that have happened that I have not wanted to forgive.  Being a person who used to hold onto stuff, this was probably even more of an issue to me than to some people.  I wanted people to understand what they'd done to me - although, interestingly, I rarely actually told them.  I wanted them to feel the pain that I felt.  However I doubt they ever did, when I couldn't tell them how I felt.  So instead, I carried around the pain and the inability to let the past go.

I've since found out that forgiveness has very little to do with the other person.  It's all do do with us - setting ourselves free of the past.  It is also often to do with reconciling ourselves with what we've experienced through our interaction with another person, but we do it for ourselves.  

It still can be difficult.  We have to understand that the other person may not have been able to do any better at that particular time in their lives.  This can be challenging if their behaviour contravenes our values.  However it's good to remember that we've all behaved less than impeccably at some point in our lives, even though we didn't intend to.

But that's not the hardest part.  That comes next when we have to forgive our part in it.  What do you mean? I hear you cry. It wasn't my fault.  I didn't ask for it to happen. No, I'm sure you didn't. People rarely do ask for unpleasant things to happen to them.  However there is usually emotional residue left around the fact that we let this stuff happen to us.  

We can have attachment to the fact we weren't stronger or wiser or more aware; that we didn't choose to walk away; that we didn't fight back.  Whatever it is, we need to forgive ourselves in order to complete the process and move on.  We are on our path, just like everyone else and it is pointless to beat ourselves up for not being far enough along before the event to have the insight that the event has given us.  After all, we learn and grow from the challenging experiences we have.

Once you've done all this, you will hopefully be able to see the event as just another experience of your life, that has positively made you into the person you are today.

Then you have set yourself free.

We Fear Change!

The credit for the title of this post has to go to my friend, Reid, who wrote this phrase on a piece of paper at a recent meeting.  However, I thought it was worthy of a bit more exploration in a blog article.

So, I've been pondering over this for the last few days.  Firstly I wondered how true it is.  Certainly for many of us, we like the status quo and resist change. But then there are the adventurous among us who often head off into the unknown.  I've known people who tell me change is a good thing, and they're right, but do these people also have their fears before they step off the metaphorical diving board?

It's definitely true that the familiar is often seen as safe.  We know where we are with the present circumstances, even if we don't like them.  The new and unknown change may be better, but then it also may be worse.  The trouble is that we don't ever really know until we've made the change, and then it may be too late to go back.

The familiar protects us.  We know how to respond and what reaction we're going to get.  We know where and how we fit in.  We can easily visualise the future when it's exactly the same as the present.  The new is daunting and it often involves taking a leap of faith into the unknown.

So what is going to make us change.  Well for some of us, the thought of adventure is enough.  We take a deep breath and leap with a confidence that it'll be a good experience for us.  For others, change only happens when the present circumstances become too unpleasant, or when external circumstances force it.

Now, we're all influenced by external circumstances to some extent. So the way in which we adapt to forced change is also significant in our lives.  Do we fight against the inevitable or do we go with the flow?  Does it really do us any good to fight against the inevitable?  Well, for our personal stress levels, the answer is probably  no.  However there are may people throughout history who've managed to bring about great changes for the positive by not accepting externally enforced situations.

Often we don't know what to do for the best.  We oscillate between the different options available to us. Do we change or do we accept?  I find the best way is to try to split the arguments into those coming from the ego and those coming from the soul.  The soul has our highest good as it's focus.  It only wants what will expand us and help us to grow.  It will guide us to that which will fulfill us and help us use our gifts in the world.  The ego focuses on that which will keep us safe and therefore encourages us to do what will enable us to fit in, what will cause the least disruption and often comes from a place of fear.  The soul guidance comes from a place of love.

So I invite you to tune in to these 2 voices.  They both have their places in our lives, but it's good to be able to differentiate between them.

And lastly, I leave you with these well-known words of wisdom because I think they sum up this subject so well.

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Our Defining Issue

How do we see ourselves?  Do we see ourselves the same way that others see us?  And more importantly, do we define ourselves by what we see?

When working with clients, I often hear "I am ...." or "I do...." as a way of explaining who they are.  It's usually followed by "I've been doing this as long as I can remember".  However, they are usually seeing me in order to change this very thing, and I'm hearing them affirming the old version of themselves over and over again.

So my challenge to them and to everyone else out there who wants to change is:

Are you prepared to re-define yourself?

It's a tricky one, because on the one hand, we want rid of all the negative behaviour traits and negative emotions associated with the old "us".  But on the other hand, the old version feels safe and there are probably parts of it we like.

I used to be a perfectionist.  I prided myself on getting things right, doing things well and getting good feedback from others.  However there were things I wouldn't do, in case they weren't perfect, and things that took far longer than they needed to, because they had to be perfect.  And, there was all the verbal "beating up" of myself when I failed to reach perfection.  Then there were all the things - the whoops moments - I could say I'd never done.  And those were the things I defined myself by.

Now I'm "good enough".  Wow, what a liberating phrase!  And I have lots of whoops moments.  Whoops - I set myself a schedule this week and I haven't kept to it 100%.  But it is good enough for now.

When I was younger, I got drunk and I smoked.  I saw it as a cool thing to do, and a way of being part of a social group.  I felt it was some kind of rebellion against the sensible behaviour I'd been brought up with, and this made it exciting.  I've now given up both and had to go through a huge redefinition to do that. I've had to change the focus in my life from fitting in with an existing social group to prioritising my health.  I've had to learn how to be social without a drink and a cigarette in my hand, and what that new version of me is like.

With the drinking, the redefinition happened because of the change, but with the smoking, the redefinition had to happen first in order to make the change.

So, enough about me.  What changes in your life are you preventing by how you define yourself?  An easy way to check out your self-definition is to listen to your self-talk.  What things do you say to yourself over and over again?  What do you say to yourself when you are in a challenging situation?  What do you say to yourself when you think of making that change you keep saying you want?

Then think about the pay-offs associated with this definition. There are always some.  Do you feel it fits you into a social group?  Do you feel it'll help you be accepted and approved of?  Do you feel it gives you a get-out clause when things get too much to bear?  It's important to acknowledge these as they give you the awareness which helps you change.

Then decide which version you'd like to be.  You might find that you come to a new decision.

Time to Heal

We heal when our buried past surfaces and can be released.  We all have some buried blocks as we've all had stress in our pasts which we couldn't resolve, but for the most part they stay buried.

We carry on with our lives, our often very busy lives and we tell ourselves we don't have time to relax, let alone be ill.  However sometimes that's exactly what we need to do.

When blocks start to surface, they often feel uncomfortable.  Sometimes we don't understand why we're feeling that way and even find that we can't actually pinpoint our exact symptoms. We're not exactly "ill", but we're definitely not feeling ourselves.  This is often the time we reach for our addictions: a bar of chocolate, a cigarette, a glass of wine or even a pattern of behaviour.  These addictive behaviours may make us feel better in the short term, but what they're doing is numbing us to what's happening and pushing the blocks back down into our bodies.  Be warned, however, our bodies want to heal, so they will resurface again and again until we release them.

Space also encourages our blocks to come up. This is why some people feel uncomfortable when they find themselves on their own with a whole day to fill and no clear objectives. We may moan about the pressure we find ourselves under in our lives, but it keeps us safe from having to deal with our past and having to feel the discomfort that can arise.

However, I find that this discomfort is usually worse if we resist the process.  If we give ourself the day off, listen to our body and address its needs, whether that's a day in bed, or a long walk, or curling up with a good book, the process will progress all the more easily.  If we can't give ourself a whole day off, an hour each evening when we do nothing can be extremely beneficial.

Also, it's important to remember that these emotions can't hurt us.  It's our associations with the feelings and our resistance to the emotions that cause the problems.  Also our panic that we don't know what to do about them.  The word emotion comes from energy in motion and the motion bit is important.  In fact, all we have to do is notice them, breath and watch as they flow through us, probably changing a few times on the way, and eventually go.

And to do this, all we really need is time to heal.

Clearing Out the Blocks

I'm often asked how exactly we clear our blocks and how long it will take.  Recently I used the analogy of clearing out a cupboard to explain this, so I thought I'd reproduce it here.

You know how it is, over time we accumulate possessions that we don't know what to do with.  We have people coming round and need to clear up, so it gets put away in the cupboard (substitute drawer, box, etc). Gradually this cupboard fills up so that we can no longer fit anything in to it.  And when we do open it, things fall out and have to be shoved back in.  So after a while we don't open it unless we have to.

So it is with our emotional clutter.  Often we can't process an event when it happens. We are either just too young and so we're going to be more sensitive to external influences, or the event was to sudden and unexpected to be able to get our heads round it.  Either way, most of us have had may of these such experiences throughout our lives. Add to that growing up in a culture of pretending we're OK and a lack of information and support on how to process traumatic experiences and the emotional clutter piles up.

Then comes the moment when we want to take control of our lives; the time that we have to start de-cluttering the emotional cupboard.  So how do we do it?

Well, as in de-cluttering our physical cupboards, everyone does it in a slightly different way. Some people will assume that as they haven't looked in the cupboard for several years, there can't be anything that they need in there. So they hire a skip and out it all goes.  But for many of us, (me included) we can't just throw away things without going through them first.  I know that I have to check every individual item before I can throw it away because there might be a little gem that I'll want to keep.  Often I can't throw something away one week, but a few weeks on and I'm suddenly able to let it go.  I can have days when I clear out bags of stuff and other days when despite my best intentions, there doesn't seem to be anything I'm able to let go.

So it is with our emotional clutter. Some of us will clear it quickly, others will clear it gradually.  There is no way someone else can force us to let go of our blocks, we have to be ready ourselves to do this.  A friend told me yesterday that he was building up to booking an appointment with a therapist - that was just the way he worked.  I totally understand this.

The beauty of kinesiology is that the way we clear our blocks is determined by the muscle testing process, which is tapping into the energy of the client. The session will only move as quickly as the client is able to cope with.  Therefore the client can be assured that I'm not going to come along and throw away their entire contents of their emotional cupboard without their permission.  

Now you may think that doing just that would be a good thing, and on a conscious level, I'm sure many of my clients would be quite happy for that to happen.  But on a subconscious level, what happens is that it triggers the blocked emotions and we feel huge amounts of fear or stress.  The way of kinesiology is to do the work gently in cooperation with the client.

So now you know this, hopefully you'll understand why I can't give a detailed prediction of how long it will take a particular person to clear their blocks. But also, maybe it'll encourage you to open the door on your own emotional cupboard and start letting the contents go.

Are you Aligned to Your Goals?

I use the word "aligned" a lot these days, but when I had to spend an evening explaining what I actually meant by it recently, I figured there may well be lots of other people out there who have no idea what I'm on about too.

The dictionary defines the verb to align as to bring into line or agreement.  I work with energy, so I'm referring to the act of bringing our energy into line or agreement with our goals.

Now, although this might sound a strange thing to try and do, we are actually doing it every day of our lives.  In order to wake up, we move our energy from subconscious to conscious. In order to go to sleep, we wind our energy down from active to relaxed.  When we go to work, we become the person who is an expert at our job.  When we are out with friends our energy may change to a slightly different version of ourselves.

People who reach their goals easily can align themselves to their goals.  However many of us find this difficult. The most important thing to know about this is that we can tell how aligned we are by the results we are producing in the world.  If we are aligned with what we are wanting to do, we physically produce results.

If we wish to go on holiday, we'll be aligned when we actually make the booking and go.  If we wish to set up a business,we'll be aligned when the clients come.  If we wish to change a habit, we'll be aligned when we actually make the change.

As regular readers will probably have guessed by now, the reason we are not able to align with our goals is that our blocks get in the way.  Maybe we want to go on holiday, but we're fearful that taking time off work will cause more stress.  Maybe we wish to be self-employed, but relying on such an uncertain income leaves us feeling insecure.  Maybe we wish to give up smoking but it's very ingrained in our social culture.

But what's more likely, is that we think we're aligned but the results aren't coming because these blocks are hidden from us.  What we may experience is resistance to taking action, or we may feel that our heart isn't quite in it, or we may just have no idea why the results aren't coming.

The good news is that if we remove all the blocks, we naturally come into alignment with our intentions and therefore our goals.  That's the law of attraction: we attract things that match the energy we give out.  So as long as we are giving out the energy of being in alignment with our goals, we will attract the physical results of these goals.

The even better news is that kinesiology can help even if we aren't aware of our blocks.  It has a rather uncanny and brilliant way of bringing them to awareness before clearing the stress they bring.

So, now you understand this, I ask the question again, Are you aligned to your goals?

Our Healthcare Culture

I've wanted to write about this for a while now as it's a subject that is dear to my heart - and as I run a holistic therapy business, my bank balance.

Culture is defined as a state of manners, behaviour and intellectual development at a particular time of place.

So how do we behave when we're ill?  How do we go about returning our bodies and minds to optimal health?  Do we even actively do this?

This is traditionally the season of colds and bugs.  Now I know from my days of working in an office, that there was definitely a culture of not having time off as people had "too much work to do".  I was never in favour of this strategy as it seemed to me that if you have time off, you can heal better and return to optimal productivity quicker.  But, alas, it was difficult for me to go against the culture, so I struggled on too.

We also have a culture of going to the doctor only when we can't fix our health issue ourself and when it's got   so bad that we feel we won't be accused of wasting time.  This is backed up by advertising campaigns directing people to a pharmacy or a phone service for "minor complaints". This is obviously a necessary strategy by an underfunded organisation, but it still creates a culture.

Now along come holistic therapists.  We can help prevent disease by treating blocks in a person's system before they manifest into nasty symptoms.  So ideally I'd like to see clients earlier rather later.  However the majority come to me when they've been suffering, for longer than they needed.


We also have a culture of free healthcare, which I'm very grateful for.  I'd never advocate getting rid of the NHS, but at the present time myself and similar practitioners aren't funded by the NHS, so we have no alternative than to charge our clients directly for our services.

This seems to be quite a large block. I often hear people say they can't afford sessions. Whereas this may be true for some people, after all therapy isn't cheap, I believe many people are just choosing to spend their money on different things.

So my question to you is what is the most important thing you could be spending your money on?  My personal answer to that would be health and wellbeing.  In this section, I'd include food (of the healthy variety, of course), a warm roof over our head, and healthcare support. For those who are familiar with Maslov's Heirarchy of Needs, this relates to the lower levels of the pyramid. If our base is rocky, the higher levels aren't going to be firm and reliable either.

So how would it be to go on a great holiday, but spend it worrying about going back to a stressful job. How would it be to buy new clothes, but to feel ill when you wear them.  How would it be to subscribe to a TV service, while wishing you had the energy to be out actually living your life.

Now I'm not criticizing anyone for spending their money on these things. Everyone makes choices about what they do and where they spend money is one of such choices. However, if you have any unwanted symptoms, I would invite you to challenge our culture of healthcare and invest in your health sooner rather than later so you can lead a more enjoyable and fulfilling life.

Phobias, Addictions and Obsessions

What do these three things have in common?

The answer is fear.

Phobias are pretty self-explanatory. We fear something to such an extent that it causes us problems in our present lives.  They may have come from a past trauma.  Maybe we were bitten by a dog when we were young and still become very frightened when a dog barks or bares its teeth. They may also be inherited from another person.  Maybe your mother screamed every time she saw a spider, so you learnt very early that spiders were something to be scared of, even though you didn't know why.

Addictions are habits we have developed in our lives, that produce a negative emotional response when they are taken away.  Often they are something we take into the body - common examples are cigarettes, alcohol or drugs.  However we can be addicted to patterns of behaviour or to people.  What happens here is that we are blocking a negative emotional response by seeking so-called "pleasurable" behaviour.  However, what that does is push the negative emotion down into our body, so it isn't resolved.  Every time it re-surfaces, our bodies tell us we want the addiction.  This gives us a positive "hit" and the pain is pushed aside for a while.  The trouble with this is that the pain will keep trying to resurface in order to be healed. So often we need bigger and bigger "hits" to keep it suppressed   Alongside that, we can have a physical response to addictive substances, but this is much easier to deal with if we've dealt with the emotional residue.

Obsessions are fears projected into the future.  This time there will be an initial negative experience from our past which we worry about happening again in the future.  Like the phobias or addictions, it could be experienced by us or learned from another person.   Things like believing we'll get ill if we don't clean things several times a day or worrying we'll forget to do something.  Often we create rituals to cope with these things; checking something several times or obsessive cleaning.  Alternatively, we avoid the triggering situations altogether, for example, not being the last to leave the house so we don't have to check the door is locked several times. Superstitions also come into the category of obsessions.  These are usually learned from another person. Like addictions, if we treat the underlying fear, then the ritual becomes a simple habit which is much easier to break.

So, if these patterns are causing you problems in your life, kinesiology can help you find and clear the root cause and take back control of your lives, even if you have no conscious idea of where they came from.

When you can't go with the flow

On Friday, I wrote about how we can all choose how we respond to any situation.  I told you all  that you have the choice about how you feel.  But I expect there are some of you out there shaking your fists at the computer and saying, " But I can't just change how I feel about things. She's talking a load of rubbish."

So, what's going on when we feel like this.  Well, what's happening is that we're triggering our past.  The sort of past we wish we hadn't had to experience.  The sort of past that leaves a negative residue in our memories.

We may have buried the memory. We may have consciously forgotten about it.  But if we didn't resolve it, it will affect our current reactions to the situations we find ourselves in.

So, for example, if we previously had to miss something very important because of the snow, we may not look too favourably when it snows again.  If we've had a bad reaction to changing our plans, we may not look favourably on having to change our plans due to snow.  And the list goes on - there are many things that could affect it and not all of them will be as obvious as those.

Luckily, with kinesology, we can get rid of the past triggers and re-empower ourselves to make the choices and have the reactions that will serve us best in our lives.  I'm always amazed how a session can bring such insight into how we can to have the pattern we are running, before clearing the stress and giving us back our choice.

Please contact me with any other questions you may have or book an appointment.

Go With the Flow

It's snowing here. I'm wrapped up in several jumpers and working from home.

But I had planned to have a singing lesson, do my shopping and then head over to see my boyfriend in Marlborough.

So what to do?  Well, the singing lesson was cancelled, so that decision was out of my hands. I've now been sitting here, listening to the radio and reading Facebook updates, both of which suggest the roads are getting worse.  The advice is very strongly "don't drive unless you have to".  So I'll probably survive without a trip to Sainsburys.

That leaves the 3rd trip. Obviously I want to see my boyfriend, but I have to put safety first.  I'll see how conditions progress, but it's not looking good.

Now, the point of this article is to talk about how I feel about these changes.  I have options; I could feel stressed and angry.  I could resent the weather for affecting my plans. I could feel hard done by.

Or, I could accept the situation and appreciate the beauty of the landscape covered in its blanket of white.  I could make the most of the extra time to get jobs done.  I could go out for a walk and enjoy the surroundings close up. And I can phone my boyfriend.

We all have a choice in how we respond to situations we find ourselves in.  And this goes for any situation. We have a choice as to whether we see ourselves as a victim or as someone in control of our lives.

So decide how you'd like to respond to the snow, and make the most of the circumstances you find yourself in.

New Year

Wow, I  just looked at my last post at the end of September - on the importance of rest and it seems I've had over 3 months off.

Well it was a lovely rest, but now back to work!


It's the new year - no surprise there. We get one every year and it's usually full of great new intentions on how to set our lives in the direction we'd like them to take.

I've noticed that for the last 2 new years, I've had an overwhelming urge to de-clutter.  To get rid of the old; things that are no longer needed in my life.  To be honest, I have a slight obsession with decluttering.  This is not to say that I live in minimalist bliss.  Oh no!  I have lots of possessions.  But maybe that's why I'm always so keen to get rid of the stuff I don't need.

And also, there's the amazing feeling I get when I prise a bag of unwanted items from my drawers and cupboards.  It feels like relief, freedom, a lightness. I feel excited, like it's the start of a new phase of my life.

If I could do this every day, I would, but unfortunately life doesn't work like that.  I find that I know the right time for me to de-clutter. I get drawn to it and off I go.  The rest of the time I have to live my life.

And does it change my life?  Well, not in a dramatic way, but definitely things change each time this happens.  Maybe my attitude changes, or maybe it triggers me to look at some area of my life or a belief system which is no longer serving me.  I often find that it's an easy way to kick start a change that I know needs to happen, but I can't quite put my finger on the details.

So if you're feeling like a new start, but aren't sure how or where, open a cupboard and start de-cluttering.