Why won't you change!!!!

I've been talking recently to people who have been having "problems" with a partner or someone close to them and I've been asked what they can do about this.  So I thought I'd address this here.

Now, firstly, we can't change another person, we can only change ourselves.  It is often very easy to see blocks in someone else or to see their potential.  However, none of us knows someone else's path in life.  Often the thing we feel ought to be changed is not the highest priority for the other person.  I believe we are all the highest authority for our own paths.

If we can become more accepting of their differences, and if we can stop trying to control them and let them be themselves, we will find a sense of freedom and peace in our relationships.  So I would suggest we work on our own development rather than trying to change the other person.

Secondly, I've found that other people usually don't respond well to being told they ought to change.  If someone (particularly a loved one) is regularly telling you to change, what does that say about how they feel about you as you actually are.  Not a lot, I'd say.  Would you change for someone who doesn't seem to be like who you are?

Instead, I'd suggest we focus on the positive in the person.  You can always find it if you look, but if you always focus on the negative, you will only see that.  Try commenting on the things you like and ignoring the things you don't.  That way, they will hear positive things from you and their general perception of your feelings for them will be much higher.  Also, you may well start to feel better towards them too.  The funny thing is, that people often change when they feel safe and accepted, so you may find they then manifest some of the changes you've wanted them too.  However that will only happen if they are the changes they wish to make.

Thirdly, we sometimes grow apart from people.  If one person changes and the other one chooses not to, those two people may find they don't have enough in common any more to spend lots of time together.  It's one of the most difficult things, as feelings for the person may well be strong, but frustrations with the differences have arisen.

If you do feel that you need to move away, try and be honest enough to talk to them and explain how your feeling.  It might not be easy if they are a partner or someone close, but it may be that they're feeling this too.  If you agree to part, let each other go with love.  Partings don't have to be hateful.  Those that are respectful and amicable and much more pleasant.

So before you aim your frustration at another person, try these three steps first.