Boundaries are an interesting subject. Some people hold their boundaries very
tightly and others are too loose with theirs.
I believe the best way is to hold them firmly but with some
flexibility. If boundaries are too tight
or too loose, then we can end up with health problems.
Imagine your boundaries are too loose. You let anyone take advantage of your good
nature. You find it hard to say no to people.
You allow people to turn up at your house unannounced whenever they feel
like it. You get cornered at parties by
people you don’t really want an extended conversation with. You put up with unreasonable behaviour from
people because you don’t want to risk conflict.
I could find many other examples.
Now imagine your boundaries are too tight. You don’t do anything if it hasn't been in
the diary at least a week. You don’t let
anyone in emotionally. You are rigid
about not giving anything away for fear of being taken advantage of. You find it hard to form relationships with
people and can appear withdrawn or aloof.
Boundaries can be physical, emotional or behavioural. And your boundaries might not be the same
strength in each of these areas. For example,
you may be very friendly but hate hugging someone. Or you might be emotionally withdrawn, but will
offer to help people to the extent that you have no time left for yourself.
Now, we are usually born with no boundaries. We have yet to learn about them and so as a baby, we will generally be quite happy being passed around from person to person for a hug. Babies are generally very trusting, hence why they rely on responsible adults to keep them safe.
As we get older, we develop boundaries through experience and learning. Our parents will teach us not to talk to strangers. They may well tell us not to give away everything we own because they're not going to buy us a whole lot of new stuff.
However, we also develop boundaries from our own life experiences. We may find that we are taken advantage of for being too generous. We may find that we get hurt if we're too open. We may find that we feel uncomfortable when strangers give us a hug.
And so we start to bring our boundaries in to such a level as to keep us feeling safe. This is an important part of development and necessary for our wellbeing.
However we also learn from our friends and from society as a whole. Some of these things may be helpful, for example, our friends feel loved when we give them a hug. But some of them may be more destructive, for example if we think we need to be promiscuous to be cool.
What's healthy is different for different people, but usually it consists of only giving as much as you freely want to with no conditions.
Now, if we are giving too much, ie our boundaries are too loose, then our energy is likely to become depleted. The end result of this is chronic fatigue. I've worked with people who have lost their spark, they've lost their enthusiasm for life and they don't have motivation for even the fun stuff.
However, if we wall ourselves off from the world, only letting people in with a signed invitation in triplicate, then our hearts become closed and this will not only cause us to become isolated, but can also eventually lead to health problems. We are naturally sociable beings, so if we're closing up and going against our nature, there is probably some kind of trauma or stress underlying it.
It's hard to change our level of boundaries. We may feel guilty about tightening up boundaries that were too loose. We may feel that we're becoming a bad person for not giving as much of ourselves as we did before and this might be difficult to adjust to. However, as long as you are firm about where you stand, people will usually respect you for being clear about things. The trouble comes when people who are used to the "old" you, struggle with adapting to the "new" you. But this is their problem. The important ones will work it out.
It's also quite hard to open up and loosen tight boundaries. This can feel quite vulnerable and can feel quite risky. However, no-one is suggesting you have to open up in one go. It might be easier to take little steps and test the response you get at each stage. And it may be that it's not appropriate to open up the same amount with everyone.
Again, as with many of my other blogs, I will say that it's perfectly possible to do this adjustment by yourself, but if you're finding it difficult, then a therapist can often be of help. It's not necessary in today's society to struggle alone.
So I hope this gives you some food for thought about boundaries and the effect of not setting them at a healthy level.
Now, we are usually born with no boundaries. We have yet to learn about them and so as a baby, we will generally be quite happy being passed around from person to person for a hug. Babies are generally very trusting, hence why they rely on responsible adults to keep them safe.
As we get older, we develop boundaries through experience and learning. Our parents will teach us not to talk to strangers. They may well tell us not to give away everything we own because they're not going to buy us a whole lot of new stuff.
However, we also develop boundaries from our own life experiences. We may find that we are taken advantage of for being too generous. We may find that we get hurt if we're too open. We may find that we feel uncomfortable when strangers give us a hug.
And so we start to bring our boundaries in to such a level as to keep us feeling safe. This is an important part of development and necessary for our wellbeing.
However we also learn from our friends and from society as a whole. Some of these things may be helpful, for example, our friends feel loved when we give them a hug. But some of them may be more destructive, for example if we think we need to be promiscuous to be cool.
What's healthy is different for different people, but usually it consists of only giving as much as you freely want to with no conditions.
Now, if we are giving too much, ie our boundaries are too loose, then our energy is likely to become depleted. The end result of this is chronic fatigue. I've worked with people who have lost their spark, they've lost their enthusiasm for life and they don't have motivation for even the fun stuff.
However, if we wall ourselves off from the world, only letting people in with a signed invitation in triplicate, then our hearts become closed and this will not only cause us to become isolated, but can also eventually lead to health problems. We are naturally sociable beings, so if we're closing up and going against our nature, there is probably some kind of trauma or stress underlying it.
It's hard to change our level of boundaries. We may feel guilty about tightening up boundaries that were too loose. We may feel that we're becoming a bad person for not giving as much of ourselves as we did before and this might be difficult to adjust to. However, as long as you are firm about where you stand, people will usually respect you for being clear about things. The trouble comes when people who are used to the "old" you, struggle with adapting to the "new" you. But this is their problem. The important ones will work it out.
It's also quite hard to open up and loosen tight boundaries. This can feel quite vulnerable and can feel quite risky. However, no-one is suggesting you have to open up in one go. It might be easier to take little steps and test the response you get at each stage. And it may be that it's not appropriate to open up the same amount with everyone.
Again, as with many of my other blogs, I will say that it's perfectly possible to do this adjustment by yourself, but if you're finding it difficult, then a therapist can often be of help. It's not necessary in today's society to struggle alone.
So I hope this gives you some food for thought about boundaries and the effect of not setting them at a healthy level.
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