Projection - What Picture Are We Creating?

I have been motivated to write about this by some comments on a Facebook status.  So often I find these discussions that show up really interesting food for thought.

The post started off with the following picture:

We often find ourselves in situations where we don't feel we're getting a great response from people. Sometimes that will happen, but how we respond to it makes a big difference.

So, firstly we need to acknowledge that we often have a desired outcome to our communication.  For example, if I said "hello" to someone, I would probably expect them to say "hello" back.  If they said "yellow" back, it would somewhat confuse me.

So the next stage would probably be for me to ask myself why they've said that.  They may be trying to be funny.  They may have misheard what I said and "yellow" might be a completely valid response to what they thought they heard.  They might have some kind of learning disability which causes them to respond in an unusual manner.  Or some other options.


So, what most people do in this situation, usually unconsciously, is ask themselves why they might have responded to a "hello" with "yellow".  This means we've missed the option of mishearing because we've already assumed the initial message got through.  We also may make other assumptions which continue to narrow down the options we get.

Maybe we decide that there is no way we'd respond in that way because to us it isn't funny, it isn't clever and it doesn't make sense.  Therefore if we were to respond that way, we would be being extremely rude.

We then project this onto the other person and deduce that they must have been being rude to us.

Then we have an area for possible conflict, especially if the other person projects back onto us their assumptions.  In a more serious example than the one above, it could escalate into a massive falling out.

People can often mis-hear of mis-understand us, or we can with them.  What might seem like a perfectly reasonable statement when it leaves the sender can be received in a very different way.

People have different values.  What might seem rude or offensive to one person, might not even register on the radar of etiquette for someone else.  This can be particularly relevant where there are cultural differences. but it's best not to assume that a similar culture means similar values.

I've found that people very rarely intend to offend.  We want harmonious relationships in our lives.  However, if we mistake our projected meaning for a correct interpretation, we are unlikely to give the other person the chance to explain or make amends.

So what is the solution to all this?  It comes down to awareness, as does so much in life.  If someone's response seems strange, consider there may be an alternative reason to the one that seems to be glaring us in the face.  The key is to catch yourself and break the unconscious pattern.  Once you realise you may be projecting, you can consider other possible reasons for their response.  The best way of resolving the situation is to ask the person what they meant by their response.  Clear, honest and open communication can go a long way to clear up misunderstandings.

So next time you feel uncomfortable, consider whether you are projecting your beliefs onto the situation.

An Inspirational Film

I went to see a film - The Dalai Lama Awakening - at The Wellbeing Centre yesterday evening.  I have to admit I was partially drawn to it because there would be interviews with the Dalai Lama himself and I am a massive admirer.

However, it was much more than that.  It was a documentary about a journey of transformation of 40 of the "big thinkers" of the world as they met with the Dalai Lama to try and solve some of the world's problems.

They came together, as you may expect, with a process, which they hoped would help them produce a plan.  There were many different types of people, each with their own ideas and inevitably the process broke down.  But what came out of the trip for each of them was a personal transformation - an opening of their hearts and a calming of the ego.

The message that came out of the film was "change the world by changing yourself".

This resonates with me because this is what I've been working on with myself on my journey.  "Be the change you want to see in the world" is how I remember it (originally said by Ghandi), but it all starts with ourselves.

In my sessions with clients, I talk to people about how we can't change those around us, only ourselves.  However, this will still make a difference as when we change, those around us change towards us.

The other key thing I learnt is the value and implication of compassion.  Now, I realise the value of it already, but not always the implication of practising it.  The film briefly touched on the Tibet issue and someone suggested imposing sanctions on China.  However after consideration, the Dalai Lama voiced concerns over how that would affect the people of China, most of whom are not guilty of oppressing anyone, and hence how compassionate it would be.

I will try to be more aware of the greater effect of my decisions.

I have to say it was an inspiring evening and a real pleasure to meet the director who's touring with the film at the moment.

If you get the chance to see it, I'd recommend going.

Why won't you change!!!!

I've been talking recently to people who have been having "problems" with a partner or someone close to them and I've been asked what they can do about this.  So I thought I'd address this here.

Now, firstly, we can't change another person, we can only change ourselves.  It is often very easy to see blocks in someone else or to see their potential.  However, none of us knows someone else's path in life.  Often the thing we feel ought to be changed is not the highest priority for the other person.  I believe we are all the highest authority for our own paths.

If we can become more accepting of their differences, and if we can stop trying to control them and let them be themselves, we will find a sense of freedom and peace in our relationships.  So I would suggest we work on our own development rather than trying to change the other person.

Secondly, I've found that other people usually don't respond well to being told they ought to change.  If someone (particularly a loved one) is regularly telling you to change, what does that say about how they feel about you as you actually are.  Not a lot, I'd say.  Would you change for someone who doesn't seem to be like who you are?

Instead, I'd suggest we focus on the positive in the person.  You can always find it if you look, but if you always focus on the negative, you will only see that.  Try commenting on the things you like and ignoring the things you don't.  That way, they will hear positive things from you and their general perception of your feelings for them will be much higher.  Also, you may well start to feel better towards them too.  The funny thing is, that people often change when they feel safe and accepted, so you may find they then manifest some of the changes you've wanted them too.  However that will only happen if they are the changes they wish to make.

Thirdly, we sometimes grow apart from people.  If one person changes and the other one chooses not to, those two people may find they don't have enough in common any more to spend lots of time together.  It's one of the most difficult things, as feelings for the person may well be strong, but frustrations with the differences have arisen.

If you do feel that you need to move away, try and be honest enough to talk to them and explain how your feeling.  It might not be easy if they are a partner or someone close, but it may be that they're feeling this too.  If you agree to part, let each other go with love.  Partings don't have to be hateful.  Those that are respectful and amicable and much more pleasant.

So before you aim your frustration at another person, try these three steps first.

What are you prepared to put up with?

This article is about boundaries.  I've been hearing lately about people who are in unhappy relationships, about those who feel put upon in some area of their lives and those who are just unhappy with their lot. Now, there may be many reasons why this is, but one that often comes up is poor boundaries.

And this comes down to what you are prepared to put up with.

And this is closely related to what you believe you deserve.

Let’s start with relationships.   Does he/she treat you in a way you dislike or take you for granted?  And do you grit your teeth and let it happen or do you stand your ground?

It’s never too late to break a pattern, but it’s easier to set your boundaries at the beginning of a relationship.  Early on in one of my relationships, a boyfriend told me to wear a certain outfit to an event.  Now, I’m sure he was just trying to be helpful and was indicating that he liked the outfit.  However I’m quite sensitive to being told what to do and I certainly didn't want a pattern of being told what to wear, so I deliberately wore something different.  Nothing was said – it wasn't an issue, but he never told me what to wear again.

I wonder, though, what would have happened if I’d decided that I’d wear the suggested outfit in order to “please” him.  I wonder if he’d somehow get a message that I liked this kind of behaviour from him and whether it would have encouraged him to do it again.  We’ll never know, but it can show how the simplest behaviours can set a precedent which creates a lifelong pattern.

I think it’s good to know someone else’s boundaries.  A different boyfriend was always obliging towards me; he always seemed to agree with me on everything.  Although it might seem lovely, it was tiresome.  I wanted to know where his boundaries lay.  My instinct was to push and push until I found them and I had to hold back and be very careful not to treat him harshly.  It was not a good situation.

Over the years, the level of behaviour I believe I deserve has increased and as such my boundaries have become clearer.  Back in the past when I had less self-esteem, I'd be happy to relax my boundaries if it meant I felt more wanted and popular. But, although I had friends, I don't think this behaviour was what attracted them to me.  

As my self-esteem was increasing and I was starting to assert my boundaries, I remember a situation with an acquaintance I didn't know very well. She felt I was causing trouble and had decided to “tell me off” like a naughty school kid but I stood up to her making it known that was not acceptable behaviour to me.  I hadn't done that kind of thing before and I must admit I worried about it all night.  I had to see quite a lot of her so it could have been awkward if there was any lingering bad feeling.  But to my amazement, she came up to me the following day and was very friendly, whereas we’d barely spoken before.  It seemed that something had shifted in her view of me.

Some people regularly stay late at work because they think it'll earn them more points with their boss.  Some people give all their time to their friends because they think they’ll appear a better person.  Some people become ever-pleasing to their boyfriend because they hope he’ll love them more.  These strategies are unlikely to work. 

There’s nothing wrong with giving of your time or your energy, but it’s important to only do it when you genuinely want to and not because you've created a condition to it.  Often these conditions come from a belief in how the world should work, but they may well not be the belief of the other person.

So, at the end of the day, it’s up to you alone to decide what you’re prepared to give and put up with.

Goals not Resolutions

Well, this is the time of year when everyone talks about making new year resolutions.  The changing of the calendar tends to focus the mind and brings the idea of fresh starts.  This is all very well, even though the beginning of the year might not be the best date for everyone, but resolutions tend to assume we're going to make one big change and then stick to it for ... ever, whereas goals tend to be more of a process with a purposeful end.

I'd like to challenge the idea that we are suddenly going to make sweeping changes just because it's January 1st.  I find that making changes is often a bit more complex than that.  

We can find that it takes us a while to start a new plan.  It can definitely take us a while to stick to a new plan.  And often we have to revise the plan along the way so it suits us better.

For example, if our 2014 resolution was to join a gym, we would go along, sign up, pay the money and then try and make ourselves go on a regular basis.  The success rate would be dependent on many things: our time available, our energy available and how much we really wanted to be going to a gym in the first place.  If we stop going, then we can feel we've failed.

If, however, we set a goal to be fitter by the summer (how you determine that is up to you), then we might start off by joining a gym, but quickly realise it's not for us.  We might try out a taster day instead of actually signing up.  Maybe we then hear about different types of exercise and try them out until  we find something that suits us.

If, along the way, other things come up, we can choose how we manage them with our fitness, knowing we can pick up again when they calm down.

But the main difference with goals is that until we get to the summer, we have no way of telling whether we've succeeded or failed as the process is ongoing.  But with the resolutions, we can often feel failure as soon as our plans slip.

So be kinder to yourselves and set goals rather then resolutions this year.

Happiness is a Choice

This article was prompted by a recent communication with a friend, who declared that she couldn't be happy because of various things that had happened to her.  I think many of us have at some point felt the same - that happiness is an end product, a result you gain when your life is perfect, when you have enough money, when you find that perfect partner.  The list goes on.

However, I'd like to dispute that.  Happiness is a choice we make every day.  And once we've achieved happiness, then often the other things follow.

The key is to take charge of our emotions, rather than letting them take charge of us.  Often we feel extremely justified as to how we feel.  We can explain in great detail why we feel the way we do.  However, does this serve us?

For example, my friend had many regrets; things she wished were different about her past, but these were things which she can't change now.  And yet, she held these things responsible for her unhappiness.  Now, if she could make the choice to let these thing go and decide to be happy in spite of them, she would have a better quality of life.

I used to react to everything negative, but nowadays I'm far more in control of how I respond.  For example, last night I got a power cut.  I calmly lit my candles and finished up before going to bed, hoping it would be back in the morning.  It wasn't, and I also found that my shed was damaged and needed urgent repairs to make it waterproof before I headed off to work.

Now, in the past, I would have stressed and ranted and felt that the world was extremely unfair to put this kind of burden on me - and just before Christmas too.  And then I would probably have worried about how long the power would stay off and the impact on the food in my fridge and freezer. These unwanted thoughts would have gone round and round my head, preventing me from doing anything else useful.

Today, I've just taken it in my stride.  There's absolutely nothing I can practically do to fix the power.  If food goes off, then it will have to be chucked out, but luckily I'm not hosting Christmas, or I'd have rung round some friends to make other arrangements.  And I've decamped to work, where I have warmth, light and broadband.  I'm very happy here.

So generally in life, I invite you to decide which choices you really wish to make.  Do you really want to respond negatively to a situation?  Do you really want to respond argumentatively to someone who's pressing your buttons?  Do you really want to hold on to the wrongs done to you in the past?

Or would you rather choose to be happy?

Don't Fear Perceived Failure

I was thinking the other day about the pressure we put on ourselves to be perfect.  It was triggered by 2 friends who are taking on new voluntary roles.  The first was apologising in advance for possibly messing up. I don't think anyone who knows him thinks he'll mess up, but that was quite a big concern of his.  I then was thinking, in contrast, of another friend who reminds us that she is still learning her role and will not be perfect yet.  And then she does the best that she can.

I used to be a perfectionist.  I hold my hands up to this.  I'd be proud of the quality of my work.  I'd love to hear compliments about it.  However, the flip-side was that I'd take ages to get anything finished and I'd often procrastinate if I wasn't sure it would be perfect enough, so sometimes the task wouldn't get done at all. And I'd carry around this ever growing list of things to do, which put extra stress on me.

Now I'm not advocating that we don't do our best, but our best will vary according to not only our ability, but also our current level of experience, how we're feeling that day, and what other pressures we have going on in our lives.

There are times when perfection is relevant - if you are a surgeon or operating dangerous machinery, for example.  However how I design my business cards really isn't one of them; it's more like a journey, each version can be a little bit different as I evolve my ideas and experience.

It's also good to think of where we'd be if, as babies, we didn't risk failure in learning to walk and talk.  How would it be if we looked at the baby next to us who was more developed in these skills and decided it wasn't worth us bothering as we couldn't do it right now.  It seems a ridiculous notion, but many people do exactly this as adults.

So, don't let the fear of perceived failure, put extra pressure on you, or stop you doing something.  Be honest with people as to your experience and do the best you can.