Who's Problem?

How often do we find ourselves moaning about someone we love or have to work closely with and saying "they have such a problem" / "why can't they see they have a problem"?  And sometimes we even try to point out their problem, thinking that we're being helpful.

But who's problem is it really?

Well, let us look at the word "problem". The definition is any question or incident involving doubt, uncertainty or difficulty. So who has the doubt, uncertainty or difficulty? Answer: the person complaining.

So, if  my friend, partner or boss is annoying me with their behaviour, then however unreasonable we can persuade ourselves that they are being, we are actually the ones having the problem with them.  They might be totally unaware of any of this and, in fact, may be quite happily going through their lives without any problem at all.

So the next question to ask is: why we have a problem with their behaviour?

Have they gone back on an agreed set of behaviours? In which case, we would probably be advised to have a chat and remind them of the previous agreement.

Have we expected them to act in a certain way without any discussion or agreement?  This is often the case. We assume other people will behave in the way we would want them to, but they rarely do so 100% of the time. Recognising that you've made an assumption is the first step.  Then honest communication in a non-confrontational way. Instead of saying "you're annoying when you do this", try "I feel annoyed when you do that". By owning your feelings, you make it easier for the other person to hear without becoming defensive.  It's also important to acknowledge that your own feelings are valid.

It may be that you have differing values and you don't understand each other's problems. This can be challenging, but not insurmountable, as long as you go into a discussion with a willingness to understand and an open heart.

This can go a long way to helping us resolve our problems. There'll be more in my next post.

Transit of Venus

Last week there was a historical Transit of Venus across the face of the sun. These happen in pairs, the last one was in 2004. But now there won't be another one until 2117.  We've also recently had 2 eclipses (they come in 2s too), the second of which was also last week.  It's a huge time for change and new opportunities.

Venus in astrology represents love, relationships, the feminine and finance/business, so changes on a personal level and a societal level will reflect these themes.

I'm not an expert so I've included a few links for those who want to read more:

This one explains the different planetary alignments going on at the moment.

This one looks at what has been going on during the previous Transits of Venus and is more focussed on how society as a whole will be affected.

On a personal level, I had a strange week.  Events occurred which caused me a lot of stress, probably more then was logical for what happened. But some even better things came out of them.  However I didn't feel great and I'm only just back to feeling normal.  I've been very tired and rather emotional about things.  And I noticed from my friends' statuses on Facebook that I wasn't alone in this.

Sometimes, however willing we are to embrace change, it can be difficult to actually take on board. We  have to let the past go, sometimes this can be a challenge in itself.  We can invest a lot of ourselves in our habits and our beliefs. Sometimes, when we say goodbye to our past, there is a grieving process too.

Sometimes we struggle to assimilate the new patterns coming into our lives. There can be a period where we feel uncomfortable while we gradually become more familiar with it.  This can make us feel more emotional than normal, or just very tired.  It can make us feel spacey or even nauseous. At the worst, it can make us feel depressed.

So be gentle with yourself if you've had any of these symptoms and trust that this is the start of a new more exciting phase in your life.

The way I understand this Transit of Venus is that it's about getting rid of the old ways and embracing the new. However the changes won't necessarily be apparent at the moment, but when we look back, that's when we'll realise that it all started here.

Do you worry about people?

Are you a worrier? Or are you close to someone who worries about you?

Are you familiar with people who have to know you're OK by asking you to check in: "Phone me when you get there". My mother was one of those. When I first left home, she'd request a check in after any long car journey I made. It always slightly confused me because I'd been living away from home for quite a while so there was a lot of stuff I'd do, which Mum wouldn't be aware of. So why this sudden need to know where I was when I got into a car?  In the end, in order to become a bona fide independent adult, I managed to break this habit of hers, but it did get me thinking.

Why do we worry about people in normal situations? It's not something I've really done. I assume people will be OK unless  I have a good reason to feel otherwise.

Those who do the worrying will tell you it's because they care and it's a loving thing to do for someone.  And if someone is happy to text or call when they arrive at a situation, then so be it.  But one day, I forgot to call my mother. I just got sidetracked by life, no big deal.  But when I finally did call, all hell broke loose; it was out of character for me not to call, so she'd assumed the worst. I think she may have even called the police or been just about to.

Now, it seems to me to be a fear based response, there's some kind of fear about the other person's safety that no amount of being careful is going to remove. And maybe there's also a lack of trust in their ability to "be OK". Recently, someone new in my life asked me to text when I got home and I had to remind him that I been successfully getting myself home for the last 20 years with a 100% success rate.


So does this worrying actually do us any good? Well the incident when I forgot to phone home clearly didn't do my mother any good. She had a traumatic evening stressing over all the terrible things that might have befallen her daughter. None of it did me any good because I had to check in whenever I went anywhere, which was a real hassle before we all had mobile phones.  I also felt that it was being assumed that I couldn't look after myself.

So what is the alternative?  Well, obviously not to worry.  But that's probably like saying to a chocoholic, just don't have a choc bar. So to make it easier, try asking yourself how likely it is that the worst case scenario is going to happen.  Also, consider that most of us carry mobile phones these days, so we can call for help pretty easily if something does go wrong.  And finally, note that we cannot change the outcome by worrying about someone. If they're going to be OK, then it's pointless to worry, and if they're not going to be OK, it's actually equally pointless to worry. Worry itself is a thought process not an action process.

And if this still doesn't help curb your worry tendencies, ask an angel to protect them and let it go.

Self Awareness

Self awareness is a subject I've been pursuing for a while now.  I still remember how it felt back in my past when my self-awareness was much lower, and indeed, I can look back at my journals in amazement at my rather strange perspective on the world.  But in spite of this, I have to acknowledge that I used to look at the world from a very different place from where I am now.  I used to take things personally, I used to feel the world had some problem with me and I used to feel quite hard done by. I used to jump to conclusions about situations and this often made me feel either very angry or very upset.

Having gone down my road and enriched my self-awareness, I now realise that these conclusions I reached, were often projections of my own fears or judgements onto those around me.  So, for example, if a friend had changed plans to meet up, I may have assumed they didn't care and they took me for granted, whereas, this was a projection of my fear that I wasn't deserving of friends who cared.

This can lead to a rather self-absorbed state, which can often happen when we struggle in life. Our perspective narrows and, when we feel something, we project it onto the first thing that irritates us, rather then looking into our feelings for what they are - just feelings.  There's a big difference between "She's abandoned me because she doesn't care" and "I feel abandoned".  The first one is blame and projection and the  second one is a simple acknowledgement of a feeling.  Our feeling of abandonment may well have been triggered by an experience from our past which has gone unresolved.  Understanding this is where self-awareness comes in.

By looking into our feelings and asking ourselves where they come from enough times, we start to understand our patterns and where our past hurts haven't been resolved.  If we can release them then they will no longer trigger extremes of emotion.  But even if we can't, we can remember that our emotional reactions are based on something deeper and bigger than the current experience.  This can lead to a broader perspective and is what self-awareness is all about.

If you would like help with doing this in a safe, non-judgemental environment, please contact me for an appointment.

Failure is an option

Yesterday evening, a friend said he was thinking of auditioning for a part in our local. However he wasn't sure if he should because his mum has told him he can't sing. He asked me what I thought (well he might not of actually asked, but I volunteered my opinion anyway), which was that he should go for it as the experience was worth as much as the outcome.

It got me thinking of how often we don't try something for fear of failure. I think at least one of my parents has this philosophy: my dad has a strong identity with what he can and can't do. And my mum was very protective of me when I was younger so I'm sure would have tried to draw me away from anything that could cause me distress (like the disappointment of failure). I'm sure I'm not alone in having these experiences. But are they the best thing for us as we grow up?

I put a comment on Facebook yesterday which prompted a friend to point me towards Richard Branson's biography. He is one of the most famous examples of someone who failed over and over again in his quest to find success. I haven't read it yet but I've been told it's an inspiring read. It puts the whole failure issue into a different light.

In order to grow, we have to learn and the easiest way to do this is from our own life experiences. And in order to have experience, we must take action. If we're going to get better at something, we must have started off at a lower level of competence, so it therefore follows that we're going to fail a few times before we reach the level we call success.

So, while I wish my friend lots of luck with his audition, I also wish him the wisdom and growth that comes should he fail. And I thank him for being the inspiration for this blog post.

Why am I feeling down?

Over the last few days, I've been feeling that something isn't right. But as often happens with me, I haven't been able to put my finger on what. Symptoms have included irratability and slight discontentment with no obvious cause. My life is going well and I'm happy, so what has been going on?

As is usual for me, I've assumed there is something rather deep from my past which is "coming up" and therefore have decided this is another great opportunity to clear some past stress in order to align my life with my current wishes and purpose.

In the past when this happened, I'd stress out, I'd panic, I'd beat myself up (metaphorically) and even end up depressed, but these days I'm getting more familiar with the process.

Here are 3 steps which help me go through this process in a safe way.

Step one - breathe. Breath is our life force and the easiest way to free up blocked life energy is to breathe. So when I feel fearful or low or uncomfortable with any emotion, I focus on it and breathe deeply and slowly until the intensity passes.

Step two - identify the feelings. It's very easy to say "I feel crap" but it's much more useful to be able to say "I feel frustrated" or "I feel irritated". As the process unfurls, these emotions will change, but I've found that honoring them and accepting them without understanding why I'm feeling them seems to be really important.

Step three - notice the thoughts which run through our mind. Eventually I find myself thinking something which clearly doesn't serve me or agree with my conscious awareness. Things like "I don't deserve this" or "I'm no good" are common examples. In my past, I'd go along wtih them and spiral ever more downwards, but nowadays I sit up and take note. I see them as an outdated belief and and an opportunity for change.

Kinesiology is a great tool for changing belief systems and I'm lucky enough to be able to work on myself, so I sat down today and did a balance on myself. Now with greater understanding and cleared stress, I'm continuing my day.

And I haven't snapped at anything since then.

What do I say in a blog?

I was visiting my friend Liz of the Wellbeing Centre yesterday and the subject of blogging came up - both of us being business owners trying to increase our customer base. We both felt we ought to blog, but we had various reasons why we didn't. The main one being not knowing what to write.

I'd been at a speed networking meeting the previous evening and had listened to the eminent Nigel Morgan - king of blogging - speak about how he finds things to blog about and it set me thinking as to whether I really didn't have anything to say. When I chatted to Liz about it it seemed more and more unlikely as I rarely find moments in life where I have nothing to say. How could blogging be so different?

So after dismissing the excuse of no time as not being the reason I didn't blog either - I waste loads of time in other ways, so this really wasn't going to cut it as a valid reason, I came to the realisation that I just didn't belive that people would be interested in what I had to say.

So I thought about where that belief came from and whether it was actually still serving me in my life and quickly realised it definitely wasn't.

So what to write. I thought of a blog I read, which is written by my friend Ali. She writes from the heart and I always find what she writes interesting and inspiring. So I thought if I write about various things that happen, which give me some kind of "aha" moment, maybe other people will find it interesting and inspiring too.

And then I realised I had the material for my "re-launch" blog entry.